Wax On / Wax Off

Submitted by Lucky Prescott

Before I found Slut Rehab, I tried to shake my slutty ways on my own. I hadn’t slept with anyone in a while, so when Al Waxman asked me on a date, I figured I’d keep up the abstinence streak.

Our first drinks date went well. He was cute with a good, muscular build. As he gave me a kiss at the entrance to my building, I was happy and excited to go out with him again.

Now, he lives on Staten Island, and since I’ve only ridden the SI Ferry for tourist reasons, I don’t know what getting to the Upper East Side entails, but he’s an hour late for our next date. We head downtown with no specific dinner destination in mind, simply going to an area that he claims “has a lot of restaurants.” Negative. We walk around until my stiletto-ed feet get tired and we go into the next place we see. The highlight of dinner comes when he apologizes for his skin being so blotchy and red—his sister helped him wax his arms, back, and chest earlier in the day and she didn’t do a good job. VOMIT!!!

When dinner ends, my date says that it’s too late for him to go home. I feel bad, so I say, “You can stay at my place, but just so you know, you’re not getting any.” He says that’s fine, and we hop into a cab to head back uptown. When we get there, I immediately jump on top of my bed, jeans and slinky shirt still on, and face the wall, hoping to instantly fall asleep. He lays next to me and wraps his arm around me, kissing my shoulder. Then he starts to hump my leg. I remind him about what I told him before. The humping continues.

I don’t know what about the situation says that I want to hook up with him, and I tell him this, trying to wiggle my way closer and closer to the wall, hoping that I’ll fall down into the crack in between the mattress and the bed. After more humping and no reciprocating, he asks if I’m serious.

Ummm….

Finally, the humping stops and I fall asleep. We go out for breakfast the next morning, after which I assume he’ll go home since, you know, we’re already outside and all. But no, he walks back up the five flights of stairs to my apartment and watches TV all day. Once he starts talking about dinner, I tell him that I have plans and that he’d better go.

Thankfully, I never heard from him again.