New Year New Hookup

Submitted by Cat Attack

So one New Year's Eve a few years ago, I went out to a party with some friends. I look over to the corner of the room were I find a tall, lanky boy with a cute face. I drunkenly walk over to him and start to talk. Minutes later, I find myself linked to his arm following him upstairs. After a few rounds of making out, we decide to go to a friend's house. We end up on top of his pool table where we had stupid drunken sex. After falling off of the pool table and ripping my tights, I decided it was time for me to leave. While I was getting up, I hit my head on the wieght bench. I put on what was left of my new year's outfit to find out my ride had left and had to call my dad to come pick me up... I then had to take a walk of shame past 3 other kids I had hooked up with that night and someone's parents. Needless to say, I was never invited to that house again.

Marshmallowy Kisses -- MISTLETOE CONTEST ENTRY

Submitted by M. Wayne

Under the mistletoe, my girl friend and I took a marshmallow,
put it between our mouths, then with another person saying "go",
the goal was to take your tongue and push it down the other person's throat.
Sort of french kisswarfare, much fun and erotic!
She won, had better control of her tongue,
which is a real plus when she pleases me!

The Best Kiss -- MISTLETOE CONTEST ENTRY

Submitted by T. Wika

Call me old fashioned, but the greatest kiss for me has been with a man who is somewhat unattainable, whose voice makes me wet, and whom I have known since college. In college he began confiding in me that he has always felt the need to be naked with me. So we began experimenting with talking in the nude. What was particularly arousing was that he was stripping himself of all superficiality and artificiality. He was willing to render himself completely vulnerable with me and let me know him unlike anyone else.

He always wants to take off his clothes around me and to touch me. He rewards me for dressing alluringly to please him. He tells me that no matter what we talk about he gets an erection and suffers trying to keep his hands off me.

Once while out of town on business, he called to tell me he could not concentrate on business until he called me. He was calling me from the shadows of a tree, where he stood in the front yard at his host's home, his hand stroking his hard cock as we talked.

He calls constantly for phone sex and surprises me by voicing his desires in explicit detail in the least likely places.

He brings me with him into his fantasy life because our making love is his fantasy.

When this man kisses me, he slides his tongue deep into my throat, while sliding my hand down over the bulge in his pants.

His kiss is passionate, intense, and his way of letting me know how much he longs to be inside of me.

A Poem on Kissing -- MISTLETOE CONTEST ENTRY

Submitted by M. Harris

ah...i can still recall that fantastic delightful bliss
from merging lips with a ravenous beauty who willingly parted her red ruby dutch two lips to entice me with a kiss
which rapturous engagement of succulent fleshy rims of thee mouth this older fellow doth cherish and miss!

since his current existence devoid of any satisfactory fusion of delicious smooch sans oral tongue play
especially countenanced under the mistletoe, a time honored custom when the spirits tend to feel gray
thus surrendering oneself (even albeit a complete stranger) keeps the seasoned gremlins at bay!

yet me memory keeps alive the delicious, humungous, luscious, precious, salacious, vivacious, wondrous zeroing of said
submergence of mine opened oral rift to allow, enable and promote egress of an absolute bombshell cleaved dame exemplifying finesse!

If the Vote's a-Rockin...

Here's your chance to use your sluttiness to Rock the Vote on Healthcare. We never imagined that the two could mix, but apparently they do. If you want change in the US healthcare system, show your support by strapping on your chastitiy belt and never F'ing people who think that healthcare is just fine the way it is.

If you're one of the folks who thinks that our current healthcare system works, go ahead and F away--but good luck trying to find a doctor who will treat your uninsured ass.

Check out the PSA: http://www.rockthevote.com/

Have Boobies, Will Kiss -- MISTLETOE CONTEST ENTRY

Submitted by John K.

I dated a girl who blew my socks off every time we touched. We met doing a temporary job with a bunch of other people during a summer a few years back. She had a bit of an acne problem on her face, but her body was unbelievable. She had been a swimmer, so she had great tone and her curves were spectacular. She had to have been a 34D and she wore push-up bras every day that punched her doggies right up under her chin. She usually wore tight-fitting, medium to low cut tops to let all the boys have a gander at her massive mounds. I noticed her right away and wondered why no one else seemed to make a big deal about her. It might have been the aforementioned acne problem.

I noticed her at lunch, laying on the grass alone, usually reading. When she lay on the grass she laid stomach down with her breasts hanging down out of her shirt and her butt pushed up in the air. I thought to myself that this girl really wanted it bad. I laid next to her one day, kind of mocking her, and asked what she was reading. She was cool with everything and we soon set a date for the weekend. She didn't disappoint, baring a few inches of the top of her breastesses for me that night. I was beside myself trying to control my urges.

We went back to her place and watched the tube but she was very unresponsive. I was beginning to wonder what was going on. Soon, her roommate and his girlfriend came home from dinner then checked back out to go to the girlfriend's pad. As soon as the door shut behind them she pounced. Her body sent jolts of electricity through me each time she touched me. As I'm writing this I'm practically writhing on the ground remembering it. I told her she was the best I'd ever been with and kept asking her how she did it and to teach me and everything. All I got from her/remember was her saying very patiently, "Well, you can do it like you're showing them what you're going to do to them..." And then she pushed her tongue up way towards the roof of my mouth, and she also said, "I love teasing boys."

She was into the romance-novel kind of thing: stuff I found cheesy and thought only really fanciful people got into, but when I asked her how I could give her the feelings she was giving me she explained to me that I should pull her body into mine--just grab her lower back and press her up against me. And grab the back of her head and press it into mine when we were kissing. I thought that was a little melodramatic but it's very sexy when you think about it and it worked pretty well for the two of us.

So I guess the lesson is: seize control of your man, push your boobies up under your chin and shove your tongue way down in his mouth. Amen.

"Yeah, We Smushed"

We were full of excitement as the opening credits of this week’s “Jersey Shore” rolled, but then they started in on the lame Ronnie/Sammy drama that we left off on last week: with Sammy storming back home, ready to “knock a bitch up.”

When she gets there, Sammy asks Ronnie, passed out on his bed wearing just a towel, if he & JWoww hooked up. He says no, but she calls him disgusting anyway. They debate back and forth over which one did the worse thing: Dancing with another girl vs. Giving another guy her number. As Sam takes out her hair extensions, they both agree that “this is not a game”—their relationship, that is—and then they share a good cry.

“You’re my best friend,” Sammy says before she and Ronnie hug it out. These two really need to stop crying—they’ve only known each other for about five days.

Finally, we get to spend some time with The Situation, who quickly reminds us that “Girls love The Situation.” Ugly girls with fat asses, apparently. The Situation and Paulie once again prove that while they can pick up women no problem, they can’t pick up attractive women. Why, with all of the time they spend on themselves, can’t they get a decent chick? Are there just slim pickings down on the Shore?

When one of said homely girls complains about her lack of bathing suit for the Jacuzzi, The Situation says, “I feel you on that, but we’re going in our underwear. That’s what’s happening right now.” This has to be The Situation’s pickup line: “I have a Jacuzzi at my house.” It obviously works.

Let’s get Paulie D’s take on tonight’s female specimen: “They were actin’ kinda stupid but we made the best of it.” Then he set the girls at ease by pointing out the fact that “a bra’s the same as a bathing suit.” Bet you girls are wishing you had worn your sexy undies tonight and not those grannies! Who knew you’d be so lucky to get invited back to a Jacuzzi filled with Guidos and oil-slicked water from their hair gel?

“Paulie’s hookin’ up with his girl. I’m hookin’ up with my girl, and we’re gonna have sex.” Cut to The Situation squint-nodding, “That’s the situation.”

Then Paulie and The Situation get into a totally homoerotic side-by-side makeout session, which abruptly comes to an end when Paulie’s girl says that she has to go home because her “mom is gonna freak out.”

The Situation comes back from his search for a condom to fix the situation by asking “What’s the problem? You hungry?” They may be fatties, but food does not fix every situation, Situation.

But Paulie’s girl insists they go home—probably to get out of this uncomfortable situation—and the bff says that since the other girl is her ride, she has to bizzounce too. So the Situation’s situation gets totally cockblocked. And he thought those days were over when Staten Kardashian left the house last week. Guess not! The girls go home unfed and unsexed.

And we bet Paulie’s girl was thrilled with that decision once she watched last night’s episode—during which Paulie announced to the world that they didn’t have sex because she had her period.

The next morning, Sammy wakes up still mad at Ronnie, but they seem like they’ll be okay—unfortunately—and they head off to work together. After their shift, Ronnie tells Sammy, “You really have to, like, catch my eye, and be like really, you know what I mean, something special for me to be like, like I’m feeling you.”

“So am I like special?”

We finally appreciate all of the times our moms said not to use “like” every other word. Hey, Jersey Shore kids, maybe you should try the same. We dare you.

Back at the house, Ronnie and Sammy climb into bed—the metaphoric use of fireworks to signify their first sexing is overwhelming.

“Yes, we had sex,” Sammy says beaming the next day. “That’s what you do when you’re into somebody!”

“Yeah, we smushed,” recaps Ronnie, ever the poet, taken over by his feelings for Sam.

The next day is a rainy one, so the boys go low key, getting fresh tans, fresh haircuts, maybe hitting the gym. As Paulie D says, they “gotta stay fresh to death.” Well, fake tanning will kill ya, fellas.

The Situation recommends that normal people spend an hour a day at the gym, but says that he’s “at the gym for like an hour and a half workin’ on [his] fitness.” So, you too can become A Situation by spending that extra half hour working out.

While the boys get their hair did, The Situation brags that he’s gotten with every girl in the house. We’ve been watching religiously, when did all of that happen? Sam, yes we saw. Snookie, yeah they made out last week. But what about JWoww and Angelique or whatever the hell her name was? Did we miss something?

Big thumbs up to The Situation for calling out Ronnie on falling in love at the shore even though he was talking all sorts of smack about how it’s such a terrible idea. Way to go, Situation!

But then a big thumbs up to Ronnie, therefore canceling out The Situation’s big thumbs up, for saying that “Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point.” It’s true—The Situation has brought home multiple girls but has yet to get ass as far as we can tell. That’s a bad situation.

That night at Karma, Snickers does all sort of gymnastics on the dance floor, her thankfully-blurred-out thong exposed to all of the unfortunate people in there. Then she humps the dirtiest floor we’ve ever seen—complete with gum and trash all over the place—which makes JWoww extremely proud, and so are we. JWoww, sans the blinged out necklace of the state of New Jersey that she was wearing earlier, loves every second of Snooker’s show—but does she feel the same about the pot bellied, nasty-ass guy Snookie ends up grinding up with?

Paulie D leads a group of guys to the dance floor, where they all crouch down and bang their hands against the ground along with the music. They’re “beating up the beat,” dontcha know. Then they slowly stand up and fist pump en masse, skittering their feet all around, which arouses JWoww so much that she jumps onto Paulie and uses him as a pole.

But JWoww isn’t enough for Paulie. He wants a different girl who will “get down to business,” not one who will waste his time by only wanting to hang out. So, he puts his game plan into action and makes the rounds, “lighting up” the place to find Miss Right Now. Then at the end of the night, he’ll see what he ends up with. Cue montage of Paulie and The Situation making out with about 20 girls at the club. Before they head home, the boys have a powwow and decide that they have nothing else going on, so they “may as well grab these ones,” meaning two girls that The Situation has been talking up all night.

They all head home, but then the boys spot two “hotties” in a Benz and ditch the settled-upon girls. The Situation asks the new girls, “Do you want to hang out or fucking not, don’t fuck around.” Such a smooth talker.

Since Snookie has been ditched at the club, she decides that some guy she calls Ron (really named Russ) can walk her home. She says he’s not her type, but is so much more of her described type than the wimpy guy she brought home the last time.

At the house, it looks like Paulie and The Situation are having second thoughts about ditching the busted up girls because the Benzies don’t want to hang or go into the Jacuzzi or anything—just cuddle on the couch.

Meanwhile, Smuckers and her man get lost on the way home so they make their way to a beach where she excitedly says, “We can watch the sunrise!” Didn’t she use that same line on the wimp? A blanket or sheet magically appears and they make out.

Back at the house, The Situation, not knowing that she has a boyfriend, tells his Benz girl, “You’re definitely kind of cute.”

“Kind of cute?”

“Well that’s the way I say it. Not to give you too much credit, but at the same time, I’m attracted to you.” Man, he is ruling this episode!

Now the original busted girls show up, saying “You invited me here, now get your ass down here.” The boys don’t know what to do. They obviously want to get rid of the lame-os: “The upstairs girls are not gonna do it, so let’s just see what we can do.” They descend the stairs and tell the original girls that they’re going to kick out the Benzies because the original girls “are cuter.”

“If you can respect that,” The Situation says, “then that’s what we’re gonna do.”

Yes, you and your plan definitely deserve respect.

So the Benzies leave under the genius plan that the original chicks are the guys’ pissed-off roommates. The Situation says of his Benzie, “I might have to give her attention in the future, but I don’t know—maybe not.”

He quickly moves on to his original girl who is “more cuter than the other….Paulie D was with the grenade” because “when you go into battle, you have to have some friends with you just in case a grenade is thrown at you, one of your buddies takes it first.”

Put on your helmet, this is going to be a scary ride!

Paulie D admits that he’s taking one for the team and is confident that The Situation would do the same but we’re not so sure. The Situation seems to use Paulie as a doormat—bossing him around and calling all of the shots. Paulie—stop being such a lapdog and maybe The Situation will take one for the team in the future.

Paulie also says that his girl is busted, that she’s not hot, she’s annoying, etc—but really she’s one of the better-looking ones they’ve brought home. In a truly laugh-out-loud moment, the group is climbing the stairs to the roof deck, but Paulie suddenly turns around and goes inside to bed. Awesome. “Paulie immediately fled the scene and left me in arms way.” And what about in harms way? “That girl was a bomb and Paulie did not know the code to decipher the bomb.”


The Situation soon “flees the scene” with his girl, leaving the busted one upstairs by herself. Busty goes searching through the house for her friend and does, interrupting The Situation’s makeout session by telling her friend, “You don’t want to do this.”

Cockblock #2 of this episode for The Situation, who, Paulie D says “took too long. He needed to get down to business.” It’s true— The Situation was too concerned about taking naps with his original chick than getting his mack on.

Cut to Snooki making out with her guy on the beach at sunrise as a sand tractor rumbles by. How romantical!

JWoww’s boyfriend calls the morning after the club and asks her about her pole dancing on Paulie. Apparently Snickers’s man is friends with the bf…and he reported back that JWoww was dancing all night with “the toolbag with the blow out.” The bf then says, “I don’t know who else that would be.” While we love the description of Paulie and the boyfriend’s reaction, we are confused about whether or not he wants to be with JWoww. Either forgive her and move on or don’t and move on. Don’t live in this limbo where you have people spying on her.

The sentimental segment about Snookie and her mom serves no other purpose than to: 1) get us feeling something for the Snookster before she gets clocked in the face; and 2) confirm, by meeting her standard white-Italian mom, that Snookie is originally light-skinned, and that only because of the extreme amount of tanning she does did we think she was part Indian.

That night, the gang has a great time in a friendly, calm bar, playing games and casually drinking. For once, Snookie feels like she belongs in the group.

The guys start getting suspicious of three non-Guidos trying to get attention and bumming drinks off of the gang, stealing shots, etc. The Situation tries to stay cool and mediate, but Snookie and a friend of hers point out to the non-Guidos that they are stealing shots and are therefore losers. Suddenly, DoucheBag #1—as we’ve all heard by now—punches Snookie’s lights out from about two feet away.

Now, we didn’t see the actual punch this week because MTV got so much flack after showing it in the coming attractions. We think they should have shown it, as painful as it was to watch. We’ve already seen it, and I think that the guy deserves to be humiliated as much as possible by showing his cowardly act over and over again.

DoucheBag #1, who we now know is a NYC gym teacher, “flees the scene” like a deer in headlights, almost like he can’t believe that he did it either. He’s arrested outside.

Though JWwow jumped on the guy before he got away, the Guidos of the house seemed to remain relatively calm. They just went running out after DoucheBag # yelling. Surprisingly, there is no violence on their part, which is probably the right thing considering that violence is bad. However, the guy definitely deserved to get his ass kicked.

The aftermath of the punch-out will be aired next week and will include Snookie sitting on the bathroom floor saying, “Please don't tell me I have missing teeth!” over and over again.

Gang, we’re happy to have you back after last week’s disappointing episode. See you at the Shore!

Protesting Porn Sunday

At first, we were really excited to hear that something called XXXChurch and Porn Sunday existed. But upon further investigation, it's a complete bait and switch! We'd expected Jasmine-scented incense, stripper priests, naughty choir girls, and holy water being flicked about off of dildos.

However, it is none of that. It's a campaign to heal congregants from their porn addictions. BOO! We've heard about the separation of church and state--well, how about the separation of church and porn?

Let people express their sexuality however they want! Or, check them in to Slut Rehab.

Besides, isn't God the name people are usually screaming during the act?

http://xxxchurch.com/getinvolved/x3events/pornsunday.html

What's the Big O All About?

Think you know everything about orgasms? We didn't think so. While this short article is not a how-to manual, it definitely gives some info on the ins-and-outs of reaching the big O.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,580199,00.html

Sketch Your Way to Safer Sex!

Put your creativity and sex-itivity to work and help design the newest NYC Condom wrapper. For those of you who don't live in the area, the City of New York has its own condom that can be found everywhere from bars to Kenneth Cole stores--and now, they're redesigning the wrapper.

There are plenty of phalluses around ...the city to inspire you--The Empire State Building, The Statue of Liberty's torch, hell--the island of Manhattan itself! So get out your colored pencils and start sketching away!

It's Official: Come Here for "Good Time"

This may not be sluttiness, but it is awesomeness: There's a Jersey Shore nickname generator.

Appropriately, I am "The Good Time."

Be sure to report your Jersey Shore nickname!

You (should) Have the Right to Remain Sexting

Have you kids following the story about cops sexting on their work-provided phones?

We have, but we're not sure it's Surpreme Court worthy. Shouldn't people expect that their company-provided phones can be--and probably are--monitored? How hot and heavy are these texts that it can't wait a few seconds until you grab your personal cell?

Or is it that work-provided phones are often Blackberries, which make for easier texting and sexting? Let's go with that.

So, note to employers: Don't get your workers fancy, full-keyboard phones unless you're okay with them getting dirty on your dime!

Under the Mistlet-ho

In honor of mistletoe season, we want to hear about your best kisses and learn some of your technique.

The writers of the three best stories/kissing tips will get a super awesome, sexy prize--don't worry, we won't mind if you just re-gift it.

So send your stories and/or pointers to SlutRehab@gmail.com so that the rest of us can give the gift of awesome kisses this holiday season!

Watch Out: That Sexy Police Stripper Could be a Real Cop!

So we all know that cheating is wrong--especially in marriages--but should it be illegal? Some folks in Minnesota think so. A law in that state already prohibits married women (yes, just women) from cheating and single women from having sex (slap the cuffs on us baby), but some lawmakers want to expand the law to include men too. If the law is going to exist in the first place, it should include both sexes, but come on--are we living in 1865? What people do with their relationships is a private matter (unless you're Tiger Woods--then all bets are off). Besides, how can something like this be enforced? Are there going to be painclothes police officers trailing folks as they leave sex stores? Will strippers whip out a badge and arrest a married man they're giving a lap dance? Let's get real, Minnesota.

Have you ever been the other man/woman? Tell us about it at slutrehab@gmail.com!

Ripped Off for Your Pleasure

HEY DUREX! Stop stealing our ideas!

People--don't forget: we're not just your go-to place for sex news, we also want to hear your scandalous stories! Send them to slutrehab@gmail.com!

A Short-Lived Love

Dear MTV,
Last week’s premiere episode of “Jersey Shore” was life-changing, prize-worthy, rich in stupidity and terrible language, hair, and fake tans. And while we are eternally grateful for this week’s fist-pumping, “creepy” dancing, and Angelina dismissal, we feel duped. What happened in your editing room between then and now? How could we have gotten two full hours of gem-encrusted Guido glory one week and absolute crap the next?

We started out well enough with the recap of Pauly-D and JWoww’s pre-ham makeout session, where the latter doesn’t seem to remember actually kissing Pauly or trying to go “downstairs,” but knows that something happened. We’d love to hear what she does remember, but she seems to just accept what she’s told happened and sets off on a mission to “get all the facts together” before she tells her bf. Getting said facts includes asking Pauly who else he made out with the night before….no one. Looks like that defense mechanism backfired, huh JWoww? Besides, you shouldn’t be justifying your actions according to those of other people. Let your slutty self roam free—you’ve already told us that the “trash bag” side of you (as Pauly so eloquently put it) exists. So why the search for assurance that you’re not the only ho in the house? Don’t let the others steal your glow stick spotlight!

As for the drama between The Situation, Ronnie, and Sammy….we’re over it. As we know, The Situation “had his choice of pretty much anyone” on the shore, so even though Sammy and The Situation were vibing at first, it’s no sweat off his beefcake back that she moved on to Ronnie. Or is it? MTV wants us to think so. After The Situation tells Sammy she looks pretty in her tight T-shirt and way-too-short-for-her shorts, she gets all blushy and says, “That’s why I like you, nice guy…Well, not like that. Not like that.” There many not have been any sweat on that one either, but it makes the Situation’s few brain cells kick into overdrive, still just managing to repeat whatever Sammy says—all be it with an attitude.

The pickle scene with Snooki sucking on a dill does nothing for us, even though Pauly and Vinny apparently get boners watching her. We don’t want to see Snooki sucking on anything—especially while wearing a “Future Porn Star” hat. Thanks.

Things get boring until JWoww’s boyfriend comes to town, bearing a bunch of roses, totally oblivious to the fact that his girl has been getting frisky with a 28-year-old Guido DJ.

Angelina’s friends Alana and Elena (how cute) show up and are ready to go out. But first Angelina gets on phone with her bf and asks him to meet her at a club. He douche-ily agrees, but she doesn’t seem excited. And we don’t blame her—any time she talks to him, he’s a dick. Why come down to the shore and spoil her fun?

Vinnie’s looking to have a “classy night,” so he dons a purple tie, and as the gang hops into a giant van, one of the Guidos shouts, “Let the pay per view event begin!” If we ever had to pay extra for this episode, we’d demand our money back.

Okay—so now we have some potential—we’re in a club, so there’s bound to be fistpumping and/or dirtiness. But then Angie’s bf shows up and randomly storms out five minutes later, telling her not to call him even again. WTF? Angie’s girlfriends tell Snooki that the bf is going through a divorce. Angie goes home to cry about it.

We have to say that The Situation, as ridiculous he is, has decent grammar—namely, he is consistent in using parallel structure. Take, for example last week’s “Everybody at the shore definitely knows The Situation. And as far as I know, everybody loves The Situation. And if you don’t love The Situation, I’m going to make you love The Situation.” And now this week, while summing up Angelina and one of the many reasons why we hate her so much: “She needs the attention, loves the attention, and anybody else that has the attention, she’s gonna try to grab it.” Well done.

In bed, JWoww’s bf says, “If you do anything with another guy, I’m out.”

She tries to nonchalantly defend herself, claiming true love and perfection, but he gets suspicious and wonders why she got upset about what he said. Perhaps because she’s hiding something! She then tries to convince him that he has an amazing girlfriend and confesses in an interview that she need to “figure out how to approach it.” We do believe that she truly feels bad about the cheating, but she either needs to tell the bf or get the hell over it. And either way, continue slutting it up because as of right now, she’s the only exciting person in the house.

Over breakfast, the roomies discuss how much of a d-bag Angie’s bf is. They’re all talking shit about her, and editing makes it look like she’s right in the next room, but we’re not so sure. She wouldn’t just sit there and take that. Angie once again skips work, trying to justify it by saying that she doesn’t feel well and that she got into a fight with her bf. The Boss Man isn’t having it and goes to the house to find out what’s up. At that point, Angie loses all remaining points she had managed to hang on to by completely disrespecting the boss and humanity by asking him to meet her in the bathroom. I mean does she think that he wants to put himself in a situation where a psycho might try to pin sexual harassment or something worse on him?! Think, bitch! When he refuses to actually enter the bathroom, she refuses to talk to him. Rightfully so, she gets kicked out of the house! Yay!!! If only she’d get kicked off of the planet too. She packs her shit back into her trash bags and a suitcase that has magically appeared, and goes back home. The roommates are not upset at all and barely say goodbye. Get the F out of here!!

So JWoww finally tells her bf about her roaming tongue. He takes it better than expected at first—no yelling or whatever, just calmly asks if she wants to break it off. She says no, that she loves him. He hangs up the phone. She says she’ll give him 24 hours, and if she doesn’t hear from him then she’s going to “rock out.” With her cock out?

“Me single?” she says. “That’s bad…I’ve been Susie fucking homemaker over here…a nun, a catholic nun…If I’m single, I’ll show my true, filthy, fucking dirty side.” BRING IT ON!!!

Pauly, who has already agreed to partake in the plan for JWoww to have her cake and eat it too, doesn’t have much of a reaction to the breakup. “She’ll feel less guilty now when she hooks up with me.” Nice.

Snooki and her friend Ryder go to a bar and get crazy on the completely empty, non-existent dance floor while creepy old men there by themselves drunkenly watch and clap along. “I just let loose and I fucking killed it on the dance floor,” Snooki reports. Even if that were true—if her dance moves didn’t look like those of a pigeon on fire—it wouldn’t matter. There was no one else dancing aside from your skank friend Ryder! But that’s why we love you, Snooki. And why the perv over by the ATM machine does too.

Ryder and Snooki then go back to the house. After they tell The Situation that they’re going to hop into the hot tub, The Situation invites himself to soak along with them. Before he goes outside, he tells Sammy that the girls were begging him to join. So apparently he wants to make her jealous? But she’s not—she has a minigolf date with Ronnie!

The Situation goes to the hot tub after zero amounts of begging and jumps on in, just in time to witness Snooki mount her friend, slamming her into the side of the hot tub while she shoves her tongue down her throat. After a bottle of champagne is popped open, Snooki grabs The Situation’s face to make out with him. Fine, she’s a makeout slut, and though we hate to watch her doing it, we’re okay with it. Good for you, girl, for having such high self-esteem!

Ronnie and Sam come home from their date and go to the guest bedroom to cuddle and talk all night. Before she says “sorry mom” and pulls the cover over their heads. BORING!

After a “family dinner” where Pauly nearly blows up the gas grill by putting charcoal in it, the gang gets ready to go out. We love Ronnie for making fun of Mike for looking in the mirror after he applies Chapstick and saying “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” like he’s just had a bowl of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup.

At the club, JWoww becomes her slutty self again and says that if she’s going to be single while she’s at the shore, she’ll “make everyone hate each other by the end of the night.” She gets a good start by dancing with each one of the guys—even Ronnie, who manages to detach himself from Sammy for a few minutes.

Reattached and both the hip and the mouth, Ronnie tells Sammy, “I thought the Shore house was the best thing that happened to me, but you are.” Awww. They really do seem to like each other, but we know Ronnie’s rule of not falling in love at the shore, so we know that this isn’t going to work out.

Vinnie drags Ronnie back onto the dance floor because Ronnie “loves the beats” and will “break it down with [his] creepy patent move” which involves gyrating about with some fancy footwork and hip shaking.

Sam sees “The Cop,” a friend of hers while Ronnie is busy grinding up on some awkward, pelvis-thrusting blonde who The Situation has already made out with several times tonight. Out of spite, Sammy gives The Cop her number, which JWoww sees happen. Scurrying off, JWoww reports back to Ronnie, who, crushed at the news, says that he doesn’t “want to be with a woman like that.” He’s angry and walks out. JWoww follows him home, which is interpreted as them going home together, which throws Sam into a tizzy. She storms off after them, ranting that she’ll “knock a bitch up” if she has to.

We just have to wonder which bitch it’ll be. And what they’ll name the Guido offspring.

So, MTV, please reprioritize so that in future weeks we will veer away from these lame story lines and once again get our overshare of hair gel and self-absorbsion.

Love always,
Slut Rehab

Proud to Be a Part of the "Fling Culture"

A person who enjoys having sex—whether in a monogamous relationship or with strangers—does not a murderer make. As easy as it is to blame American culture, overindulgence in drugs and alcohol, promiscuity, and the objectification of women for much larger issues, one has nothing to do with the other.

British columnist Libby Purves disagrees. But let’s be honest, those engaging in this “fling-culture” are well aware of what they are doing and of the consequences. They aren’t afraid of being labeled a “whore” or a “slut,” and I have yet to see anyone become “shrilly angry if anyone seems to disapprove” of their lifestyle. People are entitled to choose the activities they want to partake in, and the beauty of this whole argument is that lots of people out there don’t participate in a promiscuous lifestyle. But they’re not fun to write about, are they?

These horrible people “persuade themselves that the great gift of physical intimacy is as meaningless as a handshake.” Well guess what? Sometimes, it is! Of course people have their reasons for having random sex—and, yes, those reasons may in fact be because they are “randy and needy”—but the choice in the “fling partner” is meaningless. But who cares?

Sexual “adventurousness” is a part of society, so instead of balking at it and making people feel bad for doing it, let’s figure out a way to make it safer. Let’s educate people about ways of preventing and dealing with sexual assault and rape. Let’s bring justice to those who are violated as a result and not make women who are raped or sexually assaulted feel like they are the ones that did something wrong, that they had it coming to them, that because they dress a certain way or laugh a little too flirtatiously, or have slept with one too many men that they are to blame for other people’s lack of respect and lack of control.

Yes, it can be dangerous—rape and sexual assault are becoming more and more commonplace, but it can also be therapeutic. It can make someone feel good about him or herself—make him/her feel sexy, feel loved, feel needed—because, let’s face it, there are times when we need extra encouragement. And maybe those that participate in one-night-stands “are not sure they wholly approve of themselves.” But who does? Are any of us perfect? Are you, Ms. Purves?

Guidos and Guidettes Under the Boardwalk

Last night’s two hour premiere of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” lived up to every expectation, stereotype, and fantasy while teaching us new words like “Guidette” and making us seriously LOL. The premise of the show is that 8 Guidos/Guidettes move into a house in Seaside Heights, NJ, working at a t-shirt store downstairs from their place, both of which are owned by Danny—their so-not-a-Guido boss/landlord. Think “The Real World” meets “Growing up Gotti.”

First we met Paulie D, a Guido from Rhode Island of all places, who is a super well-known DJ and has his very own tanning bed so that he can “live up to the [Guido] lifestyle.” It’s not his fault he’s a Guido—he was “born and raised” to be one. Great parenting there! Before packing his bag full of hair gel, he gives us a demonstration on how to get the perfect blowout. Then he hops into his Caddy and hits the road for Jersey.

Nicole, aka Snookie, is abnormally tan—even for Guido standards. She shares her dreams of marrying a Guido—a “nice, juiced, hot, tanned guy” —and moving to NJ before driving off in her Honda hooptie. Can’t wait to hear what the roomies will have to say about that!

“This is the situation right here,” Mike “The Situation” says as he lifts his shirt to show his a disgustingly-defined set of abs. “My abs are so ripped up, it’s called the situation,” he says matter-of-factly while relaxing on the beach somewhere in Staten Island. He laments about how much people talk trash about him because of his perfect physique but then sets himself at ease: “What can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo with his shirt off?”

Sammy “Sweetheart” is the only cast member from New Jersey. She claims to be “The sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.” We’ll have to see about that. Though she claims that she wants to break a lot of hearts, we’re not so confident in her capabilities. Sammy’s theory on fashion is “the smaller the shorts the better,” but we’re not so sure about that. We are not looking forward to seeing those white short-shorts she’s packing into her suitcase.

Vinnie seems to be the only normal person so far. He says he’s more of a “traditional Italian” and we believe that since his intro piece features his family crowded around table loaded with food. We’re relieved to hear him rip on Guidos with blowouts, fake tans, and lip gloss. A college graduate, Vinnie seems to be offering us something other than the stereotype that the rest of the cast is surely going to fulfill. But then he gives a fist-pumping lesson—pit stains and all. He may actually pull a muscle. Then, with a crazy look complete with uneven eyebrows, he shouts, “Hey, I’m proud to be a fucking Guido!” Never mind all of that nice stuff we said earlier.

“If you don’t know me, then you hate me and you wish you were me,” Jwow, a Guidette from Long Island says. Though her nickname would be more appropriate if it were “BowWow,” she says that she’s a praying mantis when it comes to men: “After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.” Upstairs and downstairs, or are you fucking aliens? When she starts to date a guy, they “do their thing for the first month and then send them on a rollercoaster ride to hell.” We believe that. And we’ll have to believe that she’s going to be the best Slut Rehab candidate to follow all season. Fine, she’s seeing someone, but fuck all that—“the shore is [her] candy store.” Suck and lick away!

Ronnie’s only rule is “never fall in love at the Jersey Shore. Never ever.” He says that the whole thing is about getting laid, which we want to hear all about! “Just take your shirt off and they come to you. It’s like a fly comes to shit.” Now we see why you need that rule! You must have the ladies swarming to you. Giant jug of protein shake mix all packed into the car, he drives to the shore house and says he’s ready to get “creepy and weird.” So are we!

Angelique, “The Kim Kardashian of Staten Island,” looks nothing like Kim—doesn’t have her face, her body, taste in makeup, fashion, or…anything. Okay, okay they have the same hair color. Angelique boasts that she’s all natural—real boobs, a “nice, fat ass.” And, really, there’s no reason to have ever thought otherwise. Angelique, too, has bf and says that this trip to the shore is going to be a big test for their relationship. We have faith that she’ll do well.

The cast arrives at the house one by one and divvy up the rooms—Paulie D and The Situation are the first two there, and when they meet, they automatically click and decide to bunk together. Sammy comes next and they easily convince her to shack up in their room.

Snookie’s hooptie nearly breaks down on her way to the house, so she’s stressed. As a result, she walks into the house saying “the party’s here,” which makes everyone else uncomfortably laugh at her—especially when she immediately hits the bottle. Over the course of the next hour and 45 minutes, her roommates will call her “Snicky,” “Snooks,” “Snookers,” “Sneakers,” “Snickers,” “Snickies,” “Snick,” “Snook.” Anything by Snookie. She deserves it for having such a stupid nickname.

Angelina pulls up to the house and unloads her garbage bags of clothes, which Paulie calls her out on in his private interview. “I think it’s kind of ghetto and weird….No one in your family has a suitcase you can borrow?” He’s absolutely right. Kim Kardashian would NEVER transport her designer duds in Hefty bags. Yet another tally in the “so nothing like Kim” column.

Snookie proceeds to get W-A-S-T-E-D. Within hours, she’s stripped down to a bra and boyshorts and jumps into the hot tub with the guys. As every single roommate blatantly laughs in her face, she throws herself onto each guy, trying to make out with them—in addition to one of the girls that eventually climbs in. Thankfully, Angelina is there to point out a major faux pas: Snickers should be wearing a “thong bikini” because “it’s a bit more classier” than just undies. Angie will continue to be the Classy Police. Her badge should definitely be revoked. Snookie then falls down the stairs, rants to herself for a while, and passes out in a hammock.

In the meantime, the rest of the roommates go out to explore the boardwalk, playing games, winning prizes, and having a grand old time. Despite Ronnie’s rule love begins to blossom. The Situation and Sammy hold hands while strolling down the boardwalk, and we have reason to believe that he may have won her that nice little teddy bear she’s carrying.

After spending far too much time fighting with the quacking duck phone in the house, Snicky wakes up the next morning feeling like major ass. She’s too sick to go to work on time and pukes in the bathroom. The rest of her roomies leave her there and go to work.

That night, the Guidos catcall girls from atop their roof deck and four come upstairs for some tonsil hockey. Angelina and Sammy sit nearby watching and judging classiness. The visiting girls take off their bras and thongs, which grosses out the female roommates. After the “sluts” leave the house, Angelina, Sammy, and BowWow (Snicky is moping alone in her bed) confront the men. Angelina calls out Paulie for making out with 20 year-olds when he is 28. WTF?! We know the Guido thing is a “lifestyle” and all, but grow the hell up! She then confesses that “the boys are gonna hate [her] because [she’s] gonna keep fucking up their game.” During the fight, Ronnie (who did not participate in the hot tub orgy, lest he fall in love) brings up a very good point—why were the house girls sitting there watching, looking for drama in the first place? It’s one thing to be territorial or nosy, but to just sit 10 feet away and stare and make comments—so NOT classy, Miss Non-Kardashian. Get a life. While all of the fighting is going on, The Situation starts worrying that his behavior in the hot tub could have fucked things up with Sammy. Also, Snookie starts packing her shit to leave—convinced the others still hate her from the first night, and that somehow they are talking about her right now. Um…no.

The next day is a boring one. We see that Angelina has no work ethic, witness Sammy convincing Snickers to not go home, and check out the Guidos at the gym, filling themselves with protein after. That night, Sammy and The Situation work together at the store, and The Situation proves himself to be a good salesman, convincing innocent little girls to spend their babysitting money on custom-made boyshorts with “I love The Situation” written on the ass. The rest of the roomies get all made up for a night out on the town and stop by the store first to flaunt this in front of still-working Sammy and The Situation. Vinnie dances with an old, fat lady wearing all white. He even does an awesome body dive through her legs. The next day, he gets pink eye and is convinced dancing with that lady caused it. He’s lucky that was the only disease he contracted that night. Angelina grinds with a dude all night, despite her boyfriend back at home—tomorrow she’ll claim not to remember any of it. Snookie, being social again, describes her ideal guy as a super muscle-y Guido—so she picks the scrawniest dude in the place and brings him home.

BowWow, with fake boobies completely popping out of her yellow top, and Paulie, in a yellow Ed Hardy shirt, start teasing each other, rubbing faces and telling each other how badly they both want to get it on. Paulie says that BowWow wants to have her cake and eat it too, having her bf but making out with other guys while at the shore. “I’ll play that game,” he says. “I’ll be that guy—I don’t care.” Then they make out.

Snook brings her scrawny guy home, and as they cuddle up to watch the sun set…errr sunrise, he pukes all over the place. Nearby, Sammy and The Situation chat, building their relationship. Downstairs, BowWow and Paulie hop into bed, where Paulie ends up showing BowWow his pierced penis. Again, you’re 28.

The next night, everyone gets Guido’d up and they head out. The Situation and Sammy FINALLY make out, as do BowWow and Paulie again. However, before she can cheat on her boyfriend any more, BowWow goes home, stopping at some random deli to pick up a package of Oscar Meyer ham and a bottle of water. Back at the club, “Sweetheart” Sammy bounces from The Situation to Ronnie and starts making out with him! Of course, The Situation sees them, and spends the rest of the night giving Sammy the finger.

Upset about the Sammy situation, The Situation doesn’t appreciate some “clown” as Paulie D called the guy “looking at” him. Some words are exchanged, and said clown shoves Vinnie, which causes Paulie to come out of nowhere and clock the clown in the face, after which he tells us it “only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose.” Thanks Doctor Paulie D. The Situation, reveling in the face that his fellow Guidos had his back, says “Yeah, that’s what happens!”

En route back to the house, Paulie, The Situation, and Vinnie run into “three banging broads,” according to the latter, and invite them back to the house—fearless of any wrath they might face from the Classy Police. Well aware of his fame, The Situation tells us, “Everybody at the shore definitely knows The Situation. And as far as I know, everybody loves The Situation. And if you don’t love The Situation, I’m going to make you love The Situation.” Oh, we love.

Once at home, The Situation, who is really a sweetheart, gets up in Sammy’s face and asks if she’s happy about the decision she made to fuck things up by choosing Ronnie over him. The Sweetheart Situation then admits he was “about to Jerry Springer her ass.” Okay, you are no longer allowed to call yourself a sweetheart—let’s leave that as Sammy’s nickname.

Angelina, the self-admitted cock block, then makes a comment about how she and The Situation have been friends for a very long time. We know that they’re both from the Land of the Tracksuits (aka Staten Island), but shouldn’t this have been revealed to us earlier? And how about Vinnie—the other Staten Islander—does he know them too? We need some background info. Waving her arms, clad with blue, white, and yellow arm bands that have nothing to do with her green and block top, Angelina once again tries to get the visiting girls to go home. When the guys call her out on it, she claims not to be a hater, but she definitely is. Then, she says the most absurd thing: “If a girl’s a slut, I mean, she should be abused.” WTF? We get that you’re threatened by other women—especially women who are more attractive than you—but that comment, as indecipherable as it is, was totally uncalled for. How about you abuse the douche bags bringing said “sluts” home and taking advantage of them? It’s bad enough that you call every girl that comes into the house a whore—why then say they deserve to be abused?

She soon redeems herself by saying to The Situation: “I will cut your hair while you’re sleeping.” Is there a worse thing you could possibly say to a Guido!?

In the final moments of this fantastic premiere of a world-changing series, The Situation reflects on his short-lived romance with Sammy, who will spend the night spooning with Ronnie—someone who should definitely be calling to mind his one and only rule of the shore.

What else is going to happen this summer?!

Where Have All the Sexters Gone?

So much for all of those crazy "sexting" teens we've been hearing about in the press. A new survey conducted by the AP and MTV shows that the new buzzworthy phenomenon is NOT really all that common. In fact, out of the 1,247 people interviewed (600 of which were ages 14-17 and 647 of them ages 18-24), only 29% admitted to receiving sexual texts and 18% have gotten nudie pix sent to them. As for those doing the sending, only 10% have sent nudie pix of themselves to someone else (sorry Rhianna, looks like you're in the minority there).

In conclusion, looks like we have another case of the media blowing things way out of proportion!

Skip to page 14 of this PDF document to see more of the stats mentioned above.

Gaga: To Be Sexy or Not to Be Sexy

So Lady Gaga recently patted herself on the back for not having "sexual" album covers. While we commend her for standing up for her beliefs when going up against record execs, what about some of these outfit choices? Shouldn't she be consistent?