Dear MTV,
Last week’s premiere episode of “Jersey Shore” was life-changing, prize-worthy, rich in stupidity and terrible language, hair, and fake tans. And while we are eternally grateful for this week’s fist-pumping, “creepy” dancing, and Angelina dismissal, we feel duped. What happened in your editing room between then and now? How could we have gotten two full hours of gem-encrusted Guido glory one week and absolute crap the next?
We started out well enough with the recap of Pauly-D and JWoww’s pre-ham makeout session, where the latter doesn’t seem to remember actually kissing Pauly or trying to go “downstairs,” but knows that something happened. We’d love to hear what she does remember, but she seems to just accept what she’s told happened and sets off on a mission to “get all the facts together” before she tells her bf. Getting said facts includes asking Pauly who else he made out with the night before….no one. Looks like that defense mechanism backfired, huh JWoww? Besides, you shouldn’t be justifying your actions according to those of other people. Let your slutty self roam free—you’ve already told us that the “trash bag” side of you (as Pauly so eloquently put it) exists. So why the search for assurance that you’re not the only ho in the house? Don’t let the others steal your glow stick spotlight!
As for the drama between The Situation, Ronnie, and Sammy….we’re over it. As we know, The Situation “had his choice of pretty much anyone” on the shore, so even though Sammy and The Situation were vibing at first, it’s no sweat off his beefcake back that she moved on to Ronnie. Or is it? MTV wants us to think so. After The Situation tells Sammy she looks pretty in her tight T-shirt and way-too-short-for-her shorts, she gets all blushy and says, “That’s why I like you, nice guy…Well, not like that. Not like that.” There many not have been any sweat on that one either, but it makes the Situation’s few brain cells kick into overdrive, still just managing to repeat whatever Sammy says—all be it with an attitude.
The pickle scene with Snooki sucking on a dill does nothing for us, even though Pauly and Vinny apparently get boners watching her. We don’t want to see Snooki sucking on anything—especially while wearing a “Future Porn Star” hat. Thanks.
Things get boring until JWoww’s boyfriend comes to town, bearing a bunch of roses, totally oblivious to the fact that his girl has been getting frisky with a 28-year-old Guido DJ.
Angelina’s friends Alana and Elena (how cute) show up and are ready to go out. But first Angelina gets on phone with her bf and asks him to meet her at a club. He douche-ily agrees, but she doesn’t seem excited. And we don’t blame her—any time she talks to him, he’s a dick. Why come down to the shore and spoil her fun?
Vinnie’s looking to have a “classy night,” so he dons a purple tie, and as the gang hops into a giant van, one of the Guidos shouts, “Let the pay per view event begin!” If we ever had to pay extra for this episode, we’d demand our money back.
Okay—so now we have some potential—we’re in a club, so there’s bound to be fistpumping and/or dirtiness. But then Angie’s bf shows up and randomly storms out five minutes later, telling her not to call him even again. WTF? Angie’s girlfriends tell Snooki that the bf is going through a divorce. Angie goes home to cry about it.
We have to say that The Situation, as ridiculous he is, has decent grammar—namely, he is consistent in using parallel structure. Take, for example last week’s “Everybody at the shore definitely knows The Situation. And as far as I know, everybody loves The Situation. And if you don’t love The Situation, I’m going to make you love The Situation.” And now this week, while summing up Angelina and one of the many reasons why we hate her so much: “She needs the attention, loves the attention, and anybody else that has the attention, she’s gonna try to grab it.” Well done.
In bed, JWoww’s bf says, “If you do anything with another guy, I’m out.”
She tries to nonchalantly defend herself, claiming true love and perfection, but he gets suspicious and wonders why she got upset about what he said. Perhaps because she’s hiding something! She then tries to convince him that he has an amazing girlfriend and confesses in an interview that she need to “figure out how to approach it.” We do believe that she truly feels bad about the cheating, but she either needs to tell the bf or get the hell over it. And either way, continue slutting it up because as of right now, she’s the only exciting person in the house.
Over breakfast, the roomies discuss how much of a d-bag Angie’s bf is. They’re all talking shit about her, and editing makes it look like she’s right in the next room, but we’re not so sure. She wouldn’t just sit there and take that. Angie once again skips work, trying to justify it by saying that she doesn’t feel well and that she got into a fight with her bf. The Boss Man isn’t having it and goes to the house to find out what’s up. At that point, Angie loses all remaining points she had managed to hang on to by completely disrespecting the boss and humanity by asking him to meet her in the bathroom. I mean does she think that he wants to put himself in a situation where a psycho might try to pin sexual harassment or something worse on him?! Think, bitch! When he refuses to actually enter the bathroom, she refuses to talk to him. Rightfully so, she gets kicked out of the house! Yay!!! If only she’d get kicked off of the planet too. She packs her shit back into her trash bags and a suitcase that has magically appeared, and goes back home. The roommates are not upset at all and barely say goodbye. Get the F out of here!!
So JWoww finally tells her bf about her roaming tongue. He takes it better than expected at first—no yelling or whatever, just calmly asks if she wants to break it off. She says no, that she loves him. He hangs up the phone. She says she’ll give him 24 hours, and if she doesn’t hear from him then she’s going to “rock out.” With her cock out?
“Me single?” she says. “That’s bad…I’ve been Susie fucking homemaker over here…a nun, a catholic nun…If I’m single, I’ll show my true, filthy, fucking dirty side.” BRING IT ON!!!
Pauly, who has already agreed to partake in the plan for JWoww to have her cake and eat it too, doesn’t have much of a reaction to the breakup. “She’ll feel less guilty now when she hooks up with me.” Nice.
Snooki and her friend Ryder go to a bar and get crazy on the completely empty, non-existent dance floor while creepy old men there by themselves drunkenly watch and clap along. “I just let loose and I fucking killed it on the dance floor,” Snooki reports. Even if that were true—if her dance moves didn’t look like those of a pigeon on fire—it wouldn’t matter. There was no one else dancing aside from your skank friend Ryder! But that’s why we love you, Snooki. And why the perv over by the ATM machine does too.
Ryder and Snooki then go back to the house. After they tell The Situation that they’re going to hop into the hot tub, The Situation invites himself to soak along with them. Before he goes outside, he tells Sammy that the girls were begging him to join. So apparently he wants to make her jealous? But she’s not—she has a minigolf date with Ronnie!
The Situation goes to the hot tub after zero amounts of begging and jumps on in, just in time to witness Snooki mount her friend, slamming her into the side of the hot tub while she shoves her tongue down her throat. After a bottle of champagne is popped open, Snooki grabs The Situation’s face to make out with him. Fine, she’s a makeout slut, and though we hate to watch her doing it, we’re okay with it. Good for you, girl, for having such high self-esteem!
Ronnie and Sam come home from their date and go to the guest bedroom to cuddle and talk all night. Before she says “sorry mom” and pulls the cover over their heads. BORING!
After a “family dinner” where Pauly nearly blows up the gas grill by putting charcoal in it, the gang gets ready to go out. We love Ronnie for making fun of Mike for looking in the mirror after he applies Chapstick and saying “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” like he’s just had a bowl of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup.
At the club, JWoww becomes her slutty self again and says that if she’s going to be single while she’s at the shore, she’ll “make everyone hate each other by the end of the night.” She gets a good start by dancing with each one of the guys—even Ronnie, who manages to detach himself from Sammy for a few minutes.
Reattached and both the hip and the mouth, Ronnie tells Sammy, “I thought the Shore house was the best thing that happened to me, but you are.” Awww. They really do seem to like each other, but we know Ronnie’s rule of not falling in love at the shore, so we know that this isn’t going to work out.
Vinnie drags Ronnie back onto the dance floor because Ronnie “loves the beats” and will “break it down with [his] creepy patent move” which involves gyrating about with some fancy footwork and hip shaking.
Sam sees “The Cop,” a friend of hers while Ronnie is busy grinding up on some awkward, pelvis-thrusting blonde who The Situation has already made out with several times tonight. Out of spite, Sammy gives The Cop her number, which JWoww sees happen. Scurrying off, JWoww reports back to Ronnie, who, crushed at the news, says that he doesn’t “want to be with a woman like that.” He’s angry and walks out. JWoww follows him home, which is interpreted as them going home together, which throws Sam into a tizzy. She storms off after them, ranting that she’ll “knock a bitch up” if she has to.
We just have to wonder which bitch it’ll be. And what they’ll name the Guido offspring.
So, MTV, please reprioritize so that in future weeks we will veer away from these lame story lines and once again get our overshare of hair gel and self-absorbsion.
Love always,
Slut Rehab
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