"Yeah, We Smushed"

We were full of excitement as the opening credits of this week’s “Jersey Shore” rolled, but then they started in on the lame Ronnie/Sammy drama that we left off on last week: with Sammy storming back home, ready to “knock a bitch up.”

When she gets there, Sammy asks Ronnie, passed out on his bed wearing just a towel, if he & JWoww hooked up. He says no, but she calls him disgusting anyway. They debate back and forth over which one did the worse thing: Dancing with another girl vs. Giving another guy her number. As Sam takes out her hair extensions, they both agree that “this is not a game”—their relationship, that is—and then they share a good cry.

“You’re my best friend,” Sammy says before she and Ronnie hug it out. These two really need to stop crying—they’ve only known each other for about five days.

Finally, we get to spend some time with The Situation, who quickly reminds us that “Girls love The Situation.” Ugly girls with fat asses, apparently. The Situation and Paulie once again prove that while they can pick up women no problem, they can’t pick up attractive women. Why, with all of the time they spend on themselves, can’t they get a decent chick? Are there just slim pickings down on the Shore?

When one of said homely girls complains about her lack of bathing suit for the Jacuzzi, The Situation says, “I feel you on that, but we’re going in our underwear. That’s what’s happening right now.” This has to be The Situation’s pickup line: “I have a Jacuzzi at my house.” It obviously works.

Let’s get Paulie D’s take on tonight’s female specimen: “They were actin’ kinda stupid but we made the best of it.” Then he set the girls at ease by pointing out the fact that “a bra’s the same as a bathing suit.” Bet you girls are wishing you had worn your sexy undies tonight and not those grannies! Who knew you’d be so lucky to get invited back to a Jacuzzi filled with Guidos and oil-slicked water from their hair gel?

“Paulie’s hookin’ up with his girl. I’m hookin’ up with my girl, and we’re gonna have sex.” Cut to The Situation squint-nodding, “That’s the situation.”

Then Paulie and The Situation get into a totally homoerotic side-by-side makeout session, which abruptly comes to an end when Paulie’s girl says that she has to go home because her “mom is gonna freak out.”

The Situation comes back from his search for a condom to fix the situation by asking “What’s the problem? You hungry?” They may be fatties, but food does not fix every situation, Situation.

But Paulie’s girl insists they go home—probably to get out of this uncomfortable situation—and the bff says that since the other girl is her ride, she has to bizzounce too. So the Situation’s situation gets totally cockblocked. And he thought those days were over when Staten Kardashian left the house last week. Guess not! The girls go home unfed and unsexed.

And we bet Paulie’s girl was thrilled with that decision once she watched last night’s episode—during which Paulie announced to the world that they didn’t have sex because she had her period.

The next morning, Sammy wakes up still mad at Ronnie, but they seem like they’ll be okay—unfortunately—and they head off to work together. After their shift, Ronnie tells Sammy, “You really have to, like, catch my eye, and be like really, you know what I mean, something special for me to be like, like I’m feeling you.”

“So am I like special?”

We finally appreciate all of the times our moms said not to use “like” every other word. Hey, Jersey Shore kids, maybe you should try the same. We dare you.

Back at the house, Ronnie and Sammy climb into bed—the metaphoric use of fireworks to signify their first sexing is overwhelming.

“Yes, we had sex,” Sammy says beaming the next day. “That’s what you do when you’re into somebody!”

“Yeah, we smushed,” recaps Ronnie, ever the poet, taken over by his feelings for Sam.

The next day is a rainy one, so the boys go low key, getting fresh tans, fresh haircuts, maybe hitting the gym. As Paulie D says, they “gotta stay fresh to death.” Well, fake tanning will kill ya, fellas.

The Situation recommends that normal people spend an hour a day at the gym, but says that he’s “at the gym for like an hour and a half workin’ on [his] fitness.” So, you too can become A Situation by spending that extra half hour working out.

While the boys get their hair did, The Situation brags that he’s gotten with every girl in the house. We’ve been watching religiously, when did all of that happen? Sam, yes we saw. Snookie, yeah they made out last week. But what about JWoww and Angelique or whatever the hell her name was? Did we miss something?

Big thumbs up to The Situation for calling out Ronnie on falling in love at the shore even though he was talking all sorts of smack about how it’s such a terrible idea. Way to go, Situation!

But then a big thumbs up to Ronnie, therefore canceling out The Situation’s big thumbs up, for saying that “Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point.” It’s true—The Situation has brought home multiple girls but has yet to get ass as far as we can tell. That’s a bad situation.

That night at Karma, Snickers does all sort of gymnastics on the dance floor, her thankfully-blurred-out thong exposed to all of the unfortunate people in there. Then she humps the dirtiest floor we’ve ever seen—complete with gum and trash all over the place—which makes JWoww extremely proud, and so are we. JWoww, sans the blinged out necklace of the state of New Jersey that she was wearing earlier, loves every second of Snooker’s show—but does she feel the same about the pot bellied, nasty-ass guy Snookie ends up grinding up with?

Paulie D leads a group of guys to the dance floor, where they all crouch down and bang their hands against the ground along with the music. They’re “beating up the beat,” dontcha know. Then they slowly stand up and fist pump en masse, skittering their feet all around, which arouses JWoww so much that she jumps onto Paulie and uses him as a pole.

But JWoww isn’t enough for Paulie. He wants a different girl who will “get down to business,” not one who will waste his time by only wanting to hang out. So, he puts his game plan into action and makes the rounds, “lighting up” the place to find Miss Right Now. Then at the end of the night, he’ll see what he ends up with. Cue montage of Paulie and The Situation making out with about 20 girls at the club. Before they head home, the boys have a powwow and decide that they have nothing else going on, so they “may as well grab these ones,” meaning two girls that The Situation has been talking up all night.

They all head home, but then the boys spot two “hotties” in a Benz and ditch the settled-upon girls. The Situation asks the new girls, “Do you want to hang out or fucking not, don’t fuck around.” Such a smooth talker.

Since Snookie has been ditched at the club, she decides that some guy she calls Ron (really named Russ) can walk her home. She says he’s not her type, but is so much more of her described type than the wimpy guy she brought home the last time.

At the house, it looks like Paulie and The Situation are having second thoughts about ditching the busted up girls because the Benzies don’t want to hang or go into the Jacuzzi or anything—just cuddle on the couch.

Meanwhile, Smuckers and her man get lost on the way home so they make their way to a beach where she excitedly says, “We can watch the sunrise!” Didn’t she use that same line on the wimp? A blanket or sheet magically appears and they make out.

Back at the house, The Situation, not knowing that she has a boyfriend, tells his Benz girl, “You’re definitely kind of cute.”

“Kind of cute?”

“Well that’s the way I say it. Not to give you too much credit, but at the same time, I’m attracted to you.” Man, he is ruling this episode!

Now the original busted girls show up, saying “You invited me here, now get your ass down here.” The boys don’t know what to do. They obviously want to get rid of the lame-os: “The upstairs girls are not gonna do it, so let’s just see what we can do.” They descend the stairs and tell the original girls that they’re going to kick out the Benzies because the original girls “are cuter.”

“If you can respect that,” The Situation says, “then that’s what we’re gonna do.”

Yes, you and your plan definitely deserve respect.

So the Benzies leave under the genius plan that the original chicks are the guys’ pissed-off roommates. The Situation says of his Benzie, “I might have to give her attention in the future, but I don’t know—maybe not.”

He quickly moves on to his original girl who is “more cuter than the other….Paulie D was with the grenade” because “when you go into battle, you have to have some friends with you just in case a grenade is thrown at you, one of your buddies takes it first.”

Put on your helmet, this is going to be a scary ride!

Paulie D admits that he’s taking one for the team and is confident that The Situation would do the same but we’re not so sure. The Situation seems to use Paulie as a doormat—bossing him around and calling all of the shots. Paulie—stop being such a lapdog and maybe The Situation will take one for the team in the future.

Paulie also says that his girl is busted, that she’s not hot, she’s annoying, etc—but really she’s one of the better-looking ones they’ve brought home. In a truly laugh-out-loud moment, the group is climbing the stairs to the roof deck, but Paulie suddenly turns around and goes inside to bed. Awesome. “Paulie immediately fled the scene and left me in arms way.” And what about in harms way? “That girl was a bomb and Paulie did not know the code to decipher the bomb.”


The Situation soon “flees the scene” with his girl, leaving the busted one upstairs by herself. Busty goes searching through the house for her friend and does, interrupting The Situation’s makeout session by telling her friend, “You don’t want to do this.”

Cockblock #2 of this episode for The Situation, who, Paulie D says “took too long. He needed to get down to business.” It’s true— The Situation was too concerned about taking naps with his original chick than getting his mack on.

Cut to Snooki making out with her guy on the beach at sunrise as a sand tractor rumbles by. How romantical!

JWoww’s boyfriend calls the morning after the club and asks her about her pole dancing on Paulie. Apparently Snickers’s man is friends with the bf…and he reported back that JWoww was dancing all night with “the toolbag with the blow out.” The bf then says, “I don’t know who else that would be.” While we love the description of Paulie and the boyfriend’s reaction, we are confused about whether or not he wants to be with JWoww. Either forgive her and move on or don’t and move on. Don’t live in this limbo where you have people spying on her.

The sentimental segment about Snookie and her mom serves no other purpose than to: 1) get us feeling something for the Snookster before she gets clocked in the face; and 2) confirm, by meeting her standard white-Italian mom, that Snookie is originally light-skinned, and that only because of the extreme amount of tanning she does did we think she was part Indian.

That night, the gang has a great time in a friendly, calm bar, playing games and casually drinking. For once, Snookie feels like she belongs in the group.

The guys start getting suspicious of three non-Guidos trying to get attention and bumming drinks off of the gang, stealing shots, etc. The Situation tries to stay cool and mediate, but Snookie and a friend of hers point out to the non-Guidos that they are stealing shots and are therefore losers. Suddenly, DoucheBag #1—as we’ve all heard by now—punches Snookie’s lights out from about two feet away.

Now, we didn’t see the actual punch this week because MTV got so much flack after showing it in the coming attractions. We think they should have shown it, as painful as it was to watch. We’ve already seen it, and I think that the guy deserves to be humiliated as much as possible by showing his cowardly act over and over again.

DoucheBag #1, who we now know is a NYC gym teacher, “flees the scene” like a deer in headlights, almost like he can’t believe that he did it either. He’s arrested outside.

Though JWwow jumped on the guy before he got away, the Guidos of the house seemed to remain relatively calm. They just went running out after DoucheBag # yelling. Surprisingly, there is no violence on their part, which is probably the right thing considering that violence is bad. However, the guy definitely deserved to get his ass kicked.

The aftermath of the punch-out will be aired next week and will include Snookie sitting on the bathroom floor saying, “Please don't tell me I have missing teeth!” over and over again.

Gang, we’re happy to have you back after last week’s disappointing episode. See you at the Shore!