Guidos and Guidettes Under the Boardwalk

Last night’s two hour premiere of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” lived up to every expectation, stereotype, and fantasy while teaching us new words like “Guidette” and making us seriously LOL. The premise of the show is that 8 Guidos/Guidettes move into a house in Seaside Heights, NJ, working at a t-shirt store downstairs from their place, both of which are owned by Danny—their so-not-a-Guido boss/landlord. Think “The Real World” meets “Growing up Gotti.”

First we met Paulie D, a Guido from Rhode Island of all places, who is a super well-known DJ and has his very own tanning bed so that he can “live up to the [Guido] lifestyle.” It’s not his fault he’s a Guido—he was “born and raised” to be one. Great parenting there! Before packing his bag full of hair gel, he gives us a demonstration on how to get the perfect blowout. Then he hops into his Caddy and hits the road for Jersey.

Nicole, aka Snookie, is abnormally tan—even for Guido standards. She shares her dreams of marrying a Guido—a “nice, juiced, hot, tanned guy” —and moving to NJ before driving off in her Honda hooptie. Can’t wait to hear what the roomies will have to say about that!

“This is the situation right here,” Mike “The Situation” says as he lifts his shirt to show his a disgustingly-defined set of abs. “My abs are so ripped up, it’s called the situation,” he says matter-of-factly while relaxing on the beach somewhere in Staten Island. He laments about how much people talk trash about him because of his perfect physique but then sets himself at ease: “What can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo with his shirt off?”

Sammy “Sweetheart” is the only cast member from New Jersey. She claims to be “The sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.” We’ll have to see about that. Though she claims that she wants to break a lot of hearts, we’re not so confident in her capabilities. Sammy’s theory on fashion is “the smaller the shorts the better,” but we’re not so sure about that. We are not looking forward to seeing those white short-shorts she’s packing into her suitcase.

Vinnie seems to be the only normal person so far. He says he’s more of a “traditional Italian” and we believe that since his intro piece features his family crowded around table loaded with food. We’re relieved to hear him rip on Guidos with blowouts, fake tans, and lip gloss. A college graduate, Vinnie seems to be offering us something other than the stereotype that the rest of the cast is surely going to fulfill. But then he gives a fist-pumping lesson—pit stains and all. He may actually pull a muscle. Then, with a crazy look complete with uneven eyebrows, he shouts, “Hey, I’m proud to be a fucking Guido!” Never mind all of that nice stuff we said earlier.

“If you don’t know me, then you hate me and you wish you were me,” Jwow, a Guidette from Long Island says. Though her nickname would be more appropriate if it were “BowWow,” she says that she’s a praying mantis when it comes to men: “After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.” Upstairs and downstairs, or are you fucking aliens? When she starts to date a guy, they “do their thing for the first month and then send them on a rollercoaster ride to hell.” We believe that. And we’ll have to believe that she’s going to be the best Slut Rehab candidate to follow all season. Fine, she’s seeing someone, but fuck all that—“the shore is [her] candy store.” Suck and lick away!

Ronnie’s only rule is “never fall in love at the Jersey Shore. Never ever.” He says that the whole thing is about getting laid, which we want to hear all about! “Just take your shirt off and they come to you. It’s like a fly comes to shit.” Now we see why you need that rule! You must have the ladies swarming to you. Giant jug of protein shake mix all packed into the car, he drives to the shore house and says he’s ready to get “creepy and weird.” So are we!

Angelique, “The Kim Kardashian of Staten Island,” looks nothing like Kim—doesn’t have her face, her body, taste in makeup, fashion, or…anything. Okay, okay they have the same hair color. Angelique boasts that she’s all natural—real boobs, a “nice, fat ass.” And, really, there’s no reason to have ever thought otherwise. Angelique, too, has bf and says that this trip to the shore is going to be a big test for their relationship. We have faith that she’ll do well.

The cast arrives at the house one by one and divvy up the rooms—Paulie D and The Situation are the first two there, and when they meet, they automatically click and decide to bunk together. Sammy comes next and they easily convince her to shack up in their room.

Snookie’s hooptie nearly breaks down on her way to the house, so she’s stressed. As a result, she walks into the house saying “the party’s here,” which makes everyone else uncomfortably laugh at her—especially when she immediately hits the bottle. Over the course of the next hour and 45 minutes, her roommates will call her “Snicky,” “Snooks,” “Snookers,” “Sneakers,” “Snickers,” “Snickies,” “Snick,” “Snook.” Anything by Snookie. She deserves it for having such a stupid nickname.

Angelina pulls up to the house and unloads her garbage bags of clothes, which Paulie calls her out on in his private interview. “I think it’s kind of ghetto and weird….No one in your family has a suitcase you can borrow?” He’s absolutely right. Kim Kardashian would NEVER transport her designer duds in Hefty bags. Yet another tally in the “so nothing like Kim” column.

Snookie proceeds to get W-A-S-T-E-D. Within hours, she’s stripped down to a bra and boyshorts and jumps into the hot tub with the guys. As every single roommate blatantly laughs in her face, she throws herself onto each guy, trying to make out with them—in addition to one of the girls that eventually climbs in. Thankfully, Angelina is there to point out a major faux pas: Snickers should be wearing a “thong bikini” because “it’s a bit more classier” than just undies. Angie will continue to be the Classy Police. Her badge should definitely be revoked. Snookie then falls down the stairs, rants to herself for a while, and passes out in a hammock.

In the meantime, the rest of the roommates go out to explore the boardwalk, playing games, winning prizes, and having a grand old time. Despite Ronnie’s rule love begins to blossom. The Situation and Sammy hold hands while strolling down the boardwalk, and we have reason to believe that he may have won her that nice little teddy bear she’s carrying.

After spending far too much time fighting with the quacking duck phone in the house, Snicky wakes up the next morning feeling like major ass. She’s too sick to go to work on time and pukes in the bathroom. The rest of her roomies leave her there and go to work.

That night, the Guidos catcall girls from atop their roof deck and four come upstairs for some tonsil hockey. Angelina and Sammy sit nearby watching and judging classiness. The visiting girls take off their bras and thongs, which grosses out the female roommates. After the “sluts” leave the house, Angelina, Sammy, and BowWow (Snicky is moping alone in her bed) confront the men. Angelina calls out Paulie for making out with 20 year-olds when he is 28. WTF?! We know the Guido thing is a “lifestyle” and all, but grow the hell up! She then confesses that “the boys are gonna hate [her] because [she’s] gonna keep fucking up their game.” During the fight, Ronnie (who did not participate in the hot tub orgy, lest he fall in love) brings up a very good point—why were the house girls sitting there watching, looking for drama in the first place? It’s one thing to be territorial or nosy, but to just sit 10 feet away and stare and make comments—so NOT classy, Miss Non-Kardashian. Get a life. While all of the fighting is going on, The Situation starts worrying that his behavior in the hot tub could have fucked things up with Sammy. Also, Snookie starts packing her shit to leave—convinced the others still hate her from the first night, and that somehow they are talking about her right now. Um…no.

The next day is a boring one. We see that Angelina has no work ethic, witness Sammy convincing Snickers to not go home, and check out the Guidos at the gym, filling themselves with protein after. That night, Sammy and The Situation work together at the store, and The Situation proves himself to be a good salesman, convincing innocent little girls to spend their babysitting money on custom-made boyshorts with “I love The Situation” written on the ass. The rest of the roomies get all made up for a night out on the town and stop by the store first to flaunt this in front of still-working Sammy and The Situation. Vinnie dances with an old, fat lady wearing all white. He even does an awesome body dive through her legs. The next day, he gets pink eye and is convinced dancing with that lady caused it. He’s lucky that was the only disease he contracted that night. Angelina grinds with a dude all night, despite her boyfriend back at home—tomorrow she’ll claim not to remember any of it. Snookie, being social again, describes her ideal guy as a super muscle-y Guido—so she picks the scrawniest dude in the place and brings him home.

BowWow, with fake boobies completely popping out of her yellow top, and Paulie, in a yellow Ed Hardy shirt, start teasing each other, rubbing faces and telling each other how badly they both want to get it on. Paulie says that BowWow wants to have her cake and eat it too, having her bf but making out with other guys while at the shore. “I’ll play that game,” he says. “I’ll be that guy—I don’t care.” Then they make out.

Snook brings her scrawny guy home, and as they cuddle up to watch the sun set…errr sunrise, he pukes all over the place. Nearby, Sammy and The Situation chat, building their relationship. Downstairs, BowWow and Paulie hop into bed, where Paulie ends up showing BowWow his pierced penis. Again, you’re 28.

The next night, everyone gets Guido’d up and they head out. The Situation and Sammy FINALLY make out, as do BowWow and Paulie again. However, before she can cheat on her boyfriend any more, BowWow goes home, stopping at some random deli to pick up a package of Oscar Meyer ham and a bottle of water. Back at the club, “Sweetheart” Sammy bounces from The Situation to Ronnie and starts making out with him! Of course, The Situation sees them, and spends the rest of the night giving Sammy the finger.

Upset about the Sammy situation, The Situation doesn’t appreciate some “clown” as Paulie D called the guy “looking at” him. Some words are exchanged, and said clown shoves Vinnie, which causes Paulie to come out of nowhere and clock the clown in the face, after which he tells us it “only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose.” Thanks Doctor Paulie D. The Situation, reveling in the face that his fellow Guidos had his back, says “Yeah, that’s what happens!”

En route back to the house, Paulie, The Situation, and Vinnie run into “three banging broads,” according to the latter, and invite them back to the house—fearless of any wrath they might face from the Classy Police. Well aware of his fame, The Situation tells us, “Everybody at the shore definitely knows The Situation. And as far as I know, everybody loves The Situation. And if you don’t love The Situation, I’m going to make you love The Situation.” Oh, we love.

Once at home, The Situation, who is really a sweetheart, gets up in Sammy’s face and asks if she’s happy about the decision she made to fuck things up by choosing Ronnie over him. The Sweetheart Situation then admits he was “about to Jerry Springer her ass.” Okay, you are no longer allowed to call yourself a sweetheart—let’s leave that as Sammy’s nickname.

Angelina, the self-admitted cock block, then makes a comment about how she and The Situation have been friends for a very long time. We know that they’re both from the Land of the Tracksuits (aka Staten Island), but shouldn’t this have been revealed to us earlier? And how about Vinnie—the other Staten Islander—does he know them too? We need some background info. Waving her arms, clad with blue, white, and yellow arm bands that have nothing to do with her green and block top, Angelina once again tries to get the visiting girls to go home. When the guys call her out on it, she claims not to be a hater, but she definitely is. Then, she says the most absurd thing: “If a girl’s a slut, I mean, she should be abused.” WTF? We get that you’re threatened by other women—especially women who are more attractive than you—but that comment, as indecipherable as it is, was totally uncalled for. How about you abuse the douche bags bringing said “sluts” home and taking advantage of them? It’s bad enough that you call every girl that comes into the house a whore—why then say they deserve to be abused?

She soon redeems herself by saying to The Situation: “I will cut your hair while you’re sleeping.” Is there a worse thing you could possibly say to a Guido!?

In the final moments of this fantastic premiere of a world-changing series, The Situation reflects on his short-lived romance with Sammy, who will spend the night spooning with Ronnie—someone who should definitely be calling to mind his one and only rule of the shore.

What else is going to happen this summer?!