Cozied up with a bowl of homemade butternut squash soup, it’s time to fire up the DVR and watch the New Year’s Eve episode of Jersey Shore.
We start out with Snookie post-punch weeping on the ground of the bar, the punching douche bag fleeing like he’s on fire, only to get nabbed by cops and escorted to the cruiser while a mob of Guidos shouts and curses him out. Again, it’s surprising that the Guidos didn’t have a more violent reaction, though they did attempt to throw a few punches (not of the fist-pumping persuasion) toward the DB’s friends.
After Snookie gets some ice and is assured that none of her teeth are broken, the gang decides to go back to the house to cool off and collect themselves. While the troops gather, The Situation tries to convince a random girl to go back to the house with him, saying, “We need to hang out for a little bit.”
Ronnie doesn’t like this and we totally agree with him when he says, “Snickers got punched in the face and The Situation’s creepin.” Not an okay situation, Situation.
However, Ronnie loses us when he tries to blame The Situation for instigating the punch by buying the DB shots. People buy other people shots all of the time and punches to the face are not the normal thank you. It’s not fair to pink some DB’s social dysfunction and lack of control on The Situation. But, The Situation was right there when the punch happened, and he didn’t do anything about it. Fine, he claims that he was in shock, which apparently involved guiding the DB away from the scene by the small of his back, not clobbering him with those giant muscles and then shouting, “Now THAT’S the Situation!”
The next morning dawns and we find Ronnie’s family on the doorstep, casserole in hand. Aside from his mom incessantly bitching about how long Sammy is taking to get ready and how it’s cutting into her tanning time, nothing extraordinary happens while they’re around. Interestingly, though, we heard a rumor that Ronnie is not, in fact, a Guido. He’s Puerto Rican. Now, when we heard that he was from the Bronx, we questioned how he could be a Guido, but figured that one or two must be able to infiltrate the neighborhood, but when Ronnie’s mom departs with a “Vamanos,” we have no doubt to discredit the rumors. But how could MTV lie to us like that?!
While Ronnie, Sammy, and Vinny are out with Ronnie’s fam, Snooki and JWOWW do some bonding over lunch and drinks. We can’t even express how much we love watching Snook trying to take a shot with half of her mouth since the other half is still banged up from the punch.
After lunch, Snooki finds out that her DB puncher has been released on jail and is obviously afraid. But not to worry—JWOWW has a solution to make everything all better. They should go tanning, clearly! Because it fixes everything. Now, instead of dragging their asses across the boardwalk and plopping down on the sand to take in some natural sunshine, the girls hop in a car with Sammy and head to the salon for some fake and bake.
While they’re buying skin cancer, the fellas start grilling and prepping for a quiet night in. And as soon as Snooki (or as her roommates call her—still—Shnookie, Snickers, Snicky, Shnooks, Snookers) walks in the door, one of the guys tries to show her a live lobster. At that point, she freaks out, saying, “I’m a vet tech. I save animals, I don’t kill them.”
But even though the girls are home, they don’t help out in preparing the dinner, which annoying The Situation: “I know us guys are awesome, but come on girls—at least chip in a little bit.”
Once the gang gets settled around their big family table, the dig into the feast. Once again, we get some giggles out of watching Snookie gnaw on an ear of corn with just the right side of her mouth, which she justifies by saying, “I couldn’t get it in my mouth because I’m disabled.” Bet that’s the first time she’s ever had to use that excuse.
After a tiff about who will clear The Situation’s used plate once dinner is over, The Situation tells Sammy that because she wouldn’t throw out his garbage, “You are excluded from Surf & Turf night. You are excluded from Ravioli Night. You are excluded from Chicken Cutlet Night…. We coordinated a feast while you were getting your nails done” While we love that there are scheduled theme-dinner nights, we don’t think that girl will every allow herself to be excluded from any meal. Ever. But we have to agree with The Situation on this one. In our fam, if you cook, you don’t clean. It’s that simple.
Apparently nobody in the house likes Mike. Well, we like Mike!
Next, the gang climbs aboard a boat aptly named and head to a nearby bay that doubles as Guido mecca. Once anchored, JWOWW hops on a floatie and paddles her way over to a fat Guido on a purple, yellow, orange, and red flame boat. He ungracefully pulls her up over the side and onto said watercraft.
Back on SS “Forgetaboutit,” Paulie D jumps in the water and doggie paddles around, after which, his hair is completely in tact. Not only does this prove that his hair gel of preference is magical, it also allows us a chance to really get to know Paulie’s hair: “My hair’s windproof, waterproof, soccer-proof, motorcycle-proof. I’m not sure if my hair’s bulletproof, and I’m not willing to try that.”
Paulie says that Ronnie’s wasting his time with sam. He could be dancing with all of the guidettes on the boats.
Ronnie, who everyone believes is wasting his time with Sammy when he could be bumping and grinding with the thousands of floating Guidettes around, suddenly wants to leave. But for some reason, he aims his corralling efforts toward a getting-her-mack-on Snookie, who he literally pulls off of a boat (even though The Sitch and Paulie are right next to her)—after all of the post-punch BS he was talking about how he loves her. Guess that didn’t last long.
After Guidos on Water, we head back to the house, where Paulie D and The Situation are strategizing potential booty for the night. Cut to The Situation’s explanation: “There is def a # scheme when it comes to girls. Let’s just say 10 girls have slipped you their # within that particular week, it’s possible that 5 or 6 may not answer. Somebody may pick up but their busy. We’re prob on 3 or 4 and I’m going to have to make a decision about which group of girls are right for me and my boy Paulie.” Now cut to him on the phone with a girl asking how many friends she’s going to bring and if they are cute. When she says yes, “All right—we’ve got a situation.” As if she really would have called her friends busted. Back to The Situation: “As long as you keep calling, there will be success in your numbers game. It’s just like anything.” Very deep.
As Ronnie and the girls leave The Sitch, Paulie, and Vinny at home where they will host the phone call girl and co, Ronnie says, “They’re going fishing tonight—they’ll probably scrape something off the boardwalk.”
Let’s let Paulie D describe the detritus scraped off of said boardwalk: “They’re smart and everything, but they want to hook up just as well. I think it will take a couple times seeing them to hook up. They’re not, like, whores.” Then we’re not interested.
But apparently The Situation is, because he’s actually going to take one of them out for lunch and dinner. Wooo! Because “she’s actually a pretty girl I’m attracted to to the point where I’d rather do sweet things for you instead of you know, just come home and hook up. It’s just a different situation.”
And now we’ll get Vinnie’s take on the girls: “There are some girls that are just gonna come here, strip off their clothes, and jump in the Jacuzzi. Then there are some girls that are respectful that you have to actually treat like girls—human beings.” What a novel idea!
Okay, so we know that the guys aren’t getting any ass tonight. What is the rest of the gang up to? Well, they’re at a club, and some girls start yelling at our Guidettes for seemingly no reason, but then they cross the line and call poor Snookie (the literal and verbal punching bag) fat. Even though it’s completely try, JWOWW throws drink at the ho and then throws some punches. Even though security is involved, some random chicks come out of nowhere and yank on JWOWW’s hair. It does not stop her from beating the crap out of the loud mouth. However, JWOWW would have liked three more seconds without the bouncers, because during that time she would have been able to do justice with an upper cut. Or you could have smothered her with your ta-tas.
Back at the house, the guys say goodnight to the prudes, one of whom tells The Situation some key information: “Everybody’s talking about Mikey and Paulie, The Problem and the Situation and how they’re hooking up with everybody.” Upon hearing the news, Paulie almost pisses himself in his leopard print blankly and says, “All I wanted was to make a name for myself in NJ.” Way to go!
The next morning, as The Situation almost sets the kitchen on fire by using way too much Pam, Paulie D hauls in his DJ equipment to get ready for his gig tonight. After checking out the Italian-flag painted equipment, Ronnie dubs Paulie D “the ultimate Guido.” We agree with that.
After a greasy breakfast, The Situation is ready for lunch with the Brazilian prude from the night before. Unfortunately, he won’t answer his calls. But it’s all good. “You know what,” The Situation explains, “everybody gets stood up, everybody gets hung up on and rejected, and I’m not saying I’m not. I’m just saying 9 out of 10 times I’m good wit it.”
Before going out to see DJ Paulie D spin, JWOWW gets a delivery of the rarest (and ugliest) blue roses from her boyfriend, who, let’s remember, she cheated on with “The Ultimate Guido.” This annoys Ronnie, who calls the boyfriend a sucker and says, “I would give her shit in bubble gum. I would put my shit in a pack of bubble gum and say, ‘Chew on this.’”
To thank her boyfriend, JWOWW goes out to Paulie’s gig in hotpants and fishnets. After just a few minutes of being there, in the middle of Paulie’s set, Sammy and Ron head home to get in on.
Then Vinnie, who is finally getting a decent amount of airtime, meets a cougar. After convincing her to leave with him, they make out against a car. Then tells him that she went to the club with Danny—Vinnie’s boss. Nice going!
With another episode airing tonight, we just can’t get enough of The Jersey Shore.
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