Part One of a Double Feature

Since this week’s Jersey Shore was a double-whammy, we’re not going to go into as much detail as we normally do. Instead, we’ll gloss over the key points and then give you a list of the most quotable quotes. Here is part one:

We jump right back in with the whole dilemma of whether or not Sammi and Ronnie are spending too much time together. Sammi’s truly peeved that the thought would even be brought up by Snooki, and as she tries to gather The Situation and Pauly’s opinions, The Situation simply says, “Okay, I’m gonna be honest right now. The only thing we care about is gettin’ girls. Gettin’ girls and goin’ to the gym!”

Then there’s a fight over who really thinks Sam and Ron hang out too much—apparently it’s just Snooki and JWOWW. Sammy’s conclusion: they must be jealous. But the next morning, we find out that JWOWW really doesn’t give a fuck. So, now it’s just Snooki who cares. But why? She needs to just let them do their thing. So what if you think they’re not having fun or isolating themselves? Just do your thang, have fun, maybe get punched again, see what happens. Let them be couple-y and bang.

Maybe if Snooki just finds her own man she won’t be concerned with what the other are doing. Lucky for all of us, she finds one! “But he’s, like, Irish and talks like a cowboy.” Because the two go hand in hand. Since apparently he works on a farm, the two are able to bond over their love of animals—enough so that she brings him home and makes out with him. Though they don’t have sex, Snooki likes him and could maybe fall in love with him.

Also back at home after a night out is The Situation and Paula, who doesn’t care what she wears into the Jacuzzi (and therefore just wears her clothes) as long as she’s home by 7am. We must say, she’s probably the cutest girl he’s brought back all season. Anyway, they hardcore get it on in the Jacuzzi with Vin and his girl (slash the boss’s girl) giggling on the hammock nearby. When they realize they’re being watched, The Situation and Paula decide to leave the tub, and when Paula stands up, she flashes us some nip. Then, as The Situation leads her away by the hand, she totally slips and wipes out on the deck. Vinny nearly has a conniption laughing.

The next morning, Paula’s friend comes pounding at the door. It takes a while for anyone to answer, but of course Ronnie finally does—MTV should be paying him extra money to be doorman this season. So, while Paula gets bitched out by her friend for having gone MIA the night before, The Situation decides that he doesn’t want to hear the drama, so he goes into the shower. Since Paula can’t locate her things, she just leaves without her clothes. Nice. Later, The Situation calls Vin a creep for having watched the sexin.

Another night, another club. This time, Ronnie is MIA and it ends up that he’s talking to a girl (who looks like the SAW guy, btw), which The Situation makes sure to point out to Sammi, who does not approve. An exchange of words ensues, including Ronnie telling Sam not to trust The Situation because “He’s trying to creep on [her]. He’s not [her] fucking friend.” The Situation later changes his story to say that he didn’t necessarily see Ron talking to a girl—it could have been a group of people. It wasn’t.

Pauly D meets an Israeli chick—everything that needs to be said about that can be found in the quotes section below. The Situation’s sister returns, and it sounds like she’s been sucking on a helium balloon. But then Tanya (boss’s chick) shows up too, so Vin is in, according to him, “a little but of a bad situation.” He then leaves the sis to hang out with Tanya. This is not okay with The Situation, and he will defend sister’s honor. With just a few choice words, Vin ends up hanging out with sis again. Once everyone is tucked into bed, sis sneaks down to Vin’s bed to make out.

The next day, the gang packs up for Atlantic City, and once they arrive, everyone goes down for a nap. Except Snooki, who fires up the bubble bath by herself, creating her very own archway of bubbles under which she can sip her champagne. “This feels like a porno.” Yeah, a sad, lonely porno.

At dinner, people start talking shit, giving jabs back and forth. But Snooki isn’t having it. When The Situation turns to pick on her, she tells him to go fuck himself and called him annoying. Shit talking starts at dinner, both of which needed to be said. Then she asks for someone to pass her a roll, to which The Situation, right on cue, replies, “Don’t worry, you got a couple.”

JWOWW goes to make a surprise face, but really just looks like an emaciated fish (especially when paused on the DVR). As everyone tells The Situation that his comment was fucked up, Snooki leaves the table to have herself a cigarette and a good cry. The Situation refuses to go after her to apologize, and doesn’t even do so once she gets back to the table. Back in the room after dinner, Snooki cries some more, and at that point, The Situation kisses her on the head and apologizes. She tells him to watch what he says—that he’s rude, etc.

Down at the club, JWOWW and Snooki dance up on the couches, and then Snooki, in her short, short dress goes ass over teakettle. Not to worry—she still finds a guy to grind up on her. So it’s all good.

Vin also finds someone—a girl with “fake boobs, a nice butt, stomach showing” and makes out with her. But when he gets up to pee, The Situation goes in for the kill. “I pulled a robbery move on him.” He didn’t care that Vin had just been hooking up with her, The Situation just wants to have a fun night. She proceeds to give him a lap dance as he strangely pulls her hair.

As the night draws to a close, JWOWW gets sick in the bathroom and asks The Situation to bring her up to the room. He refuses, chick still on his lap. So JWOWW smacks him on the head and bitches him out, only to get kicked out of the club “like the piece of trash that she is.” (So says The Situation.)

Vin escorts Snook away from her hot man that she’d been making out with and was convinced she’d get ass from. Back in the room, Vin and The Situation bicker over whether The Situation stole Vin’s girl or if Vin just let him have her. And finally, as promised, JWOWW socks The Situation in the face again and before going to bed.

SO SAYETH THE GUIDOS:
“I believe we were pretty cute. We were holding hands possibly.” --The Situation on Paula

“You look at me and think I’m a snobby bitch, but I’m a veterinarian. I fucking save animals. Like, that’s what I do.” Snooki to her farmer/Irish man, Keith

“If I had to have sex with one guy here, it would probably be him because he’s a nice guy—he’s gotta be clean.” Snooki, reflecting on Keith and their lack of sex

“You have no game at all.” --The Situation to Vinny
“That’s not what your sister said.” --Vinny, in retaliation

“The Sammi and Ronnie situation may be crumbling as we speak. It’s only a matter of time until she pulls the eject button.” --The Situation (Insert “pulling eject button” motion here.)

“You want my card?” --Pauly to an Israeli chick a the club
“Delev--?” --Israeli chick
“Delvecchio. That’s gonna be your last name.” (AWESOME pickup line)
“Danielle Delvecchio. No, that’s too much.”
“That’s hot!”
“Danielle Delvecchio.” (In an Italian accent this time.)
“That’s fucking Italian. That’s hot!” (With hand motions, excitement, and huge smile.)

“Go to Israel? I don’t have a passport. Plus, they don’t like me. I got a cross on my arm.” --Pauly to the Israeli chick

“I don’t even understand that religion or what it is. I just want to get to the business.” --Pauly on Judiasm / the Israeli chick

“We’re not supposed to have sex until we get married.” --The last thing we hear from the Israeli chick

“I like my clothes like I like my women: options.” --The Situation, while discussing what to pack for AC
“You like your women like you like your underwear: dirty.” --Pauly D

“I gave her away as my sloppy seconds. How do I taste, bro?” --Vinny to The Situation

“I committed the robbery. You’d better grab your girl tight when I’m around because she wants me.” --The Situation to society in general