Hungry, Hungry Hippos

This week in Guido-ville, we get a tutorial in the all-important daily ritual of Gym, Tanning, and Laundry—more commonly known as GTL, which is how, Vinnie explains, a Guido is made. The Situation fully explains the process: “If the outfit is not lookin’ good, then the whole package is off. And if you feel off, you’re not gonna have a good night. So how do you get the best results? GTL, baby. Gym, Tanning, and Laundry. Because if everything’s put together—you look great, you feel great—it’s gonna be a good night.”

After getting the news that he won’t be evicted—despite the fact that he stole his boss’s girl and made out with her—Vinnie chats it up on the phone for 45 minutes with The Situation’s sister, trying to convince her to get on over to the Shore and go out with the gang. We’re not sure how this phone call happened—has he ever met her before? He mentions that she’s cute, but how does he know that? Or is he talking about her personality—since when do any of the guys on this show talk about a girl’s personality?

Oh, wait, The Situation has a clue: “He realizes how pretty I am, he wants to see my sister.” And he seems to be okay Vinnie going after his sis: “[He] knows not to push it too far of I’ll put him in my trunk.”

But, when the sister arrives, she is not nearly as hot as Vinnie had hoped. “She looked like Mike with a wig on. I was a little bit freaked out.” Then he ties to convince Paulie to pretend to be him.

Once Vinnie’s beer goggles are in place at the club, he doesn’t think the sis is so bad. Still, The Situation has to go scope out the scene: “When we go into the battlefield, I’m like the first strike. They send me out first. It’s like the Navy SEALS—they send them out first real quick. And I get sent out like a little reconnaissance and bring girls back.” He proceeds to pick up a girl in a tie-dyed mini dress (literally this time) and completely flashes her vag to the whole club.

Surprise, surprise, Ronnie and Sam leave the club early again. We just don’t understand why they bother getting all dressed up if they’re just going to go home after 5 minutes. Anyway, they hop into a cab and start exchanging harmless verbal jabs, including the one where Sammi calls Ron a “stumpy bastard.” In retaliation, Ronnie makes fun of Sam’s “Flintstone big toe.” While this is an amusing tidbit for us, Sam does not find it nearly as funny and proceeds to have a hissy fit in the back seat, ignoring Ronnie, who then says she’s acting like every other Jersey girl. This does not help the situation.

Back with the fun-loving group of Guidos, Snooki runs into a friend of hers at the club, saying, “If one thing leads to another, I’m not gonna tell him to get off.” She, the guy, and the rest of the gang then hop in a van to go home, but The Situation wants to make a pit stop at a different bar first. Snooki just wants to go home to make out, but gives hr man a test by telling him that he can get out and go with The Situation if he wants. He immediately jumps out of the car to go pick up chicks.

“Hard to believe, huh Snooks?” Paulie D says to comfort his friend. “It’s so hard to find a good man these days. That’s why I date women.”
At the house, Ronnie, in a pissy mood, starts grilling, wanting to be left alone. But then the van-ful of Guidos arrives and as a result, we get to the bottom of Sammi’s rant: She says he talked about her and that that’s the worst thing he could possibly do. Ummm? Then she says that she can’t help the way she looks. Come on! Insecure much? “I would never make fun of you, Ronnie!” Oh, so apparently you don’t recall saying he was a “stumpy bastard.” Shut the hell up. After Ronnie tells Sam that she overreacted, he goes downstairs to where the rest of the gang is hanging out and announces that he’s back: “I was so angry, I was like—yeah, I’m gonna go creep on girls.” Paulie gets all kinds of giddy and takes Ronnie out to a club.

Of course, Sam catches wind of this and gets pissed. Too bad getting pissed for no reason doesn’t bur calories. With her hair extensions in her hands (well, we hope they’re hers), she rants about how much guys suck.

But her guy, Ronnie, per usual goes home after 5 minutes. He just can’t do it. He regrets what he did—and what that is, we’re still trying to figure out. When he gets home, he tells Sam, “There’s no girl that’s gonna compare to you.” Gag. Gag. Gag.

Once the two lovebirds make up, The Situation rolls up with Snooki’s friend after a night of creepin’. Snooki’s not happy to see her guy back for leftovers and tells him, “Lick my ass.”

But The Situation’s not done creepin’. Any minute, he’s expecting Alice to show up at the house—she’s the girl he had in his bed one night but her friend clockblocked. When she arrives, The Situation says, “Alex rolls up with two giant bodyguards. One of which was the second grenade that was here lat time….There’s one huge grenade launcher, one grenade.”

So what does he do? He sicks Snooki on grenades 1 and 2, asking her to kick them out. Like a good roommate, she tells The Situation’s girl that she can stay, but says that the others need to leave. Well, that makes the grenades explode with insults. Snooki holds her own, until one grenade throws a drink at her and hell breaks loose. The boys get in the middle, nearly fighting the grenades themselves. Snooki, who was being cornered by one of the guys says, “Then this one girl starts charging me like a fucking hippo.” A few smacks are exchanged. Things get so bad that even Ronnie and Sammy rouse from their makeup sex slumber to help control the chaos. As the hippos get a police escort from the property, Sammy shouts the biggest insult of the night after them: “You don’t even look Italian!”

We’re not sure what that has to do with anything, but given that it’s the Jersey Shore, it must be an insult. Still, the hippos continue to scream and threat, one of them passes out and gets arrested. Then, just in time, a garbage truck rolls up, and Vinnie yells to them, “Yo, your ride’s here!” Then Paulie D laments about what white trash the girls were.

Unfortunately, in the rumble in the jungle, Snooki’s face gets fucked up again. Paulie D has a simple solution: “She needs to take some karate classes or something.”

With everyone starting to calm down, Snooki bitches out The Situaion for bringing home dumb bitches that she has to fight. She has a point. She then beats the shit out of him with a blow up, squeaky hammer. Where was that when the hippos were around? As he has her up in the air, slung over his shoulder, she punches him in the balls, which surely all of the roommates want to do as well.

“I will definitely say I felt bad about Snickers getting hit by a couple of linebackers,” The Situation says in an interview. “I necessarily didn’t want to bring home any sort of zoo creatures whatsoever. I mean, these broads probably just smelled the food at the house.”

We have a couple of questions about tonight:
1. Aside from when we saw JWOWW reviving her hotpants and fishnets uniform, where the hell was she? Especially during the melee.
2. So, The Situation was bringing that girl Alex back to the house—which started all of the mess. But let’s keep in mind—his sister was staying over. Was he just going to bang this chick with his sister right there?

Moving on. The next day, Vinnie’s family comes for a visit—about 20 of them, bearing four trays of ziti, “tank tops,” and socks for Vin. Then his mom cleans the house.

That night, the gang goes barhopping and immediately run into a dude who is asking too many questions and being overall annoying. According to Paulie D, “He wanted a problem.” We have to say, Paulie is doing a really good job at deflecting the guy’s comments and trying to cut him off from the group. But once Paulie and The Situation leave to go home to call in some females to get the party going at Beachcomber, things quickly deteriorate.

Ronnie and Sammy go to leave the bar around the same time as the annoying guy and his girlfriend, who do their best to walk parallel to our dear Guidos, harassing them all the way. Ronnie and Sammy try to ignore them, but it gets to be too much, and the guy tells them, “Go back to SI where you belong.” Then he yells at Sam, who is antagonizing the guy—even engaging him is making things worse, but she apparently can’t wrap her head around that. So she starts talking about the girlfriend’s fake Louis bag while she, herself, looks to be carrying a fake Chanel. To get her to shut up, Ronnie gives Sammy a little shove at yells at her for antagonizing the guy, who starts shouting about domestic violence. Sammy storms off just in time for the fight to break out with Ronnie pounding on the guy and the guy’s girlfriend trying to break it up, but really just getting a few smacks in on Ronnie. As the two guys tussle on the boardwalk, the girl tries to pull Ronnie off by his belt.

Cut to the house, where Paulie D and The Situation are putting in their calls to random ladies they’ve met when someone beeps in to say that Ronnie just got into a fight. They immediately throw on their sneaks and run to the rescue. While Ronnie absolutely beats the crap out of the guy, the girls try to rip the guys apart, all the while talking shit to each other. Some random bouncer breaks up the fight and Ronnie walks away with a limp. The Situation and Paulie aren’t sure where on the boardwalk the fight is happening, so they decide to follow the sound of the police sirens.

As Ronnie and Sammy head back home, Ronnie tells her to stop talking to him and blames the fight on her, which makes her feel bad—and she should. Learn how to keep your mouth shut.

Finally The Situation and Paulie catch up to Ronnie to find out the situation. They escort him home where Ronnie starts flipping furniture, pissed about the fight but also upset that he pushed Sammy. She’s crying about it to Snooki when Ronnie goes to comfort her, but all she can say is, “You just traumatized me.”

He apologizes and the two kiss and make up.

He says, “I have the best girl in seaside and I don’t want to mess this up.”

They hug awkwardly on a deck chair as our screen fades to black.