L'ultimo Hurrah

Well, folks, it’s the finale of Jersey Shore. We know you’ll miss it, and so will we. But, as they say, all good things must come to an end. So, relax your fists from this season of beating the beat and perfect your creep moves for summer 2010!

At the start of the not-so-exciting finale, Ronnie is still going to jail for knocking that guy out. When the gang gets home, Snooki decides to find out what the deal is

Ronnie gets out of jail, Sam cries about having to spend a night alone in the house. Ronnie doesn’t understand why he was arrested—says he didn’t deserve to be in jail. Um….you knocked a guy out. Oh, and he’s still saying how much the kid had it coming for talking smack. In conclusion, jail is a fitting place for you.

But now that you’re out, how about enjoying Labor Day weekend? It finally occurs to the group that, since they live across from the beach, maybe they should spend some time in the sand. What a novel idea. Grab your beach chairs and boogie boards, guidos!

But Snooki is disappointed with the lack of Juiceheads present. JWOWW had sounded the Juicehead alarm earlier and dragged Snook out of bed to check it out. But, alas, by the time they get there, the beefcakes have split.

But The Situation, King of the Juiceheads, has more luck when he arrives at la playa, instantly finding a lady. Okay, so the rest of the group thinks she’s jailbait, but it doesn’t matter. She’s breathing, right? Maybe she’s that special lady that the situation was looking for to spend his last night with. After all, none of the girls he collected over the summer will answer his calls.

But The Situation isn’t the only one who wants a date. Snooki wants in on the action too. So she musters the strength to call Cowboy Keith and ask him to meet up. She feels foolish for having to ask out a guy, but she pushes all of those feelings aside. Unfortunately, he doesn’t want to meet up. Looks like all that talk abot farm animals didn’t get you anywhere, Snook. But, really, we’re not sure why there’s a sudden need to find a date. Can’t she go out and dance by herself like she did the entire summer?

Oh, looks like we spoke up just in time! As if she can hear us, Snooki starts her own dance party on the boardwalk in an attempt to woo guys down from rooftop bars above. Okay, fine—she’s not always dancing by herself. Some random old people and breakdancers humor her and dance too. As they laugh. Then she looks up and sees an ex boyfriend. She shakes her stuff for him, but he refuses to help her out—or really even speak to her. This throws Snooks into a tizzy and she goes back to the house where she mopes around.

As Ronnie and Sam go out on one last date, the other bros go out for one lat wife beater-fashioned night out. They all come home to comfort Snooks. Mike gives her some pick-me-up advice and seems to make her feel better. Then he takes off her bikini top in the hot tub and shoves his tongue down her throat to really give her an ego boost.

In a final act of revenge for planting the Hate-orade under his bed, Vinnie plays a prank on The Situation. It involves a red bulldog, a hanger, and a t-shirt that says “I’m The Situation’s #1 Girl.” Meaning, The Situation only brings home dogs. The Situation gets a good laugh out of it.

After the gang has one last dinner, they reminisce and give their final interviews, each one reflecting on their time at the Shore. Then, of course, they propose getting a house next summer, which is already said to be happening. Season 2 could backfire, though, if these people stay in the spotlight in the meantime, being obnoxious and pissing people off in planes, etc. Let’s hope they can control themselves for the sake of reality TV.

The next morning, each Guido/ette gets into his./her respective shiny car (minus Snook, who hops back into her hooptie) and drives off into the sunset. Until next summer!


Some Final Brilliance:

“Should I call 911?” --Snooki, while eating a rice cake and trying to figure out how to locate Ronnie in jail
“I ended up spending a few hours for being the degenerate that I’m not. There was no reason for it.” -Ronnie, having obviously learned his lesson in jail.

“Yo, it’s gorilla central out there. Juiceheads everywhere. There are so many juiceheads out there, I’m like a kid in a candy shop.” –JWOWW on the beach situation

“Looking buff and brawly.” –Snooki, defining the term Juicehead

“I make my way over to some cute girls and do what I do best—and that’s pimpin.” --The Situation, picking up 15-year olds at the beach

“That ass did not look 12.” --The Situation on his chosen beach girl

“Why would you make me like you if you don’t even want to hang out with me.” --Snooki to Keith after he refuses to hang out with her

“I was honestly going to put my hat down so that people could put money in it. That’s what kind of a crowd I had.” –Snooki on her boardwalk dance show

“Come to my house, I miss you!” –Snooki to that ex boyfriend of hers
“No!” –The ex

“No one can ever take that bond from us. We have that bond for life.” PAUSE. “Wow, that was fucking deep.” –Pauly, reflecting on his friendship with The Situation and Vin

“If a guy doesn’t like you, it’s called fuck you—there are so many people out there in the world that’s gonna like you for you. I’m not having a girl over and I’m gonna hang out with the roommates.” –The Situation, trying to cheer up Snooks

“Pauly didn’t go on a date, but I don’t feel bad for him b/c he’s like, ridiculously, ridiculously good looking.” –Vin, also trying to cheer up Snooks
[Serious delayed reaction.]
“You have such good taste in men.” –Pauly D in response

“If you’re hungry, try a Snickers.” –The Situation in the hot tub, after taking off Snooki’s top
“Yeah, try me.” –Snooks, with a come-hither look, before she devours The Situation

“I was thinking about maybe getting down with Snooks real quick.” –The Situation, as he runs away from the hot tub

“I figure, I come in with a bang, I leave with a bang.” –Snooki, feeling better after her makeout session

“I have a lot of best memories.” –Snooki