What's That Rustling Noise?

The nation's capital is urging women to "get turned on" by the female condom, placing ads all over the city, including on the sides of 460 buses. In an attempt to empower women by letting them take control of their own sexual destinies, the city is giving out the latest and greatest female condom, called the FC2, saying that it will “tease, please and protect.”

Since March, the campaign to hand out 500,000 condoms in the DC area has been underway, which goes to show you how poorly the idea is going over with local women. After all, the condoms have been up for grabs for four months and yet apparently that half a million goal hasn’t been met. How ever could that be so? Here are some of the FC2’s selling points:

• The female condom can be inserted up to 8 hours before sex—so not only does this mean that the mood doesn’t have to be broken by reaching for a condom, it also teaches women time management and planning strategies. Say you have plans to get wasted after work on a Friday night, you don’t have to worry about being too drunk to make sure a condom is being used.

• The new-and-improved condom now covers a larger external area, protecting even more against STDs while keeping the vaginal area extra insulated on a wintry day. Just make sure you tell your partner before starting to mess around—how embarrassing would it be to have someone reach down there only to feel rubber??

• The FC2 is less noisy than its predecessor, which apparently sounded like a rustling plastic bag during sex. Going back to point one, imagine sounding like a crinkling baggie all day!

Sadly, DC is the only place where you can get these oh-so-practical contraceptives outside of a health clinic. So either stock up the next time you go to get tested, or plan a road trip to the land of the Potomac. Otherwise, it looks like you’re stuck with a good ol’ dental dam!

[via Salon]

"Soccer Fans Shun Hookers for Art's Sake"

Hookers in South Africa we're hoping to rake in the johns and the big bucks during this past month's World Cup extravaganza. Lots of tourists, lots of them men, lots of them looking for a good time--especially after their teams win. Sounds like a perfect equation for the sex industry, no? So perfect, in fact, that extra prostitues were flown in to prepare for the influx of horny men.

But the scantily clad women fluttering about the major cities of South Africa, ready to hop in the sack and make some cash, apparently weren't the kind of post-game entertainment the 2010 World Cup fans were looking for. Instead of shacking up for a one-night-stand or two, visitors were taking in some culture at museums and art galleries, which have reported record attendance since the World Cup began.

"The World Cup has been devastating," one madam even told CNN. "...I can't wait for everyone to just go home now!"

We have to say that this is an unfortunate turn of events for sex and for sex workers, but we have to sound a vuvuzela chorus to humanity for taking the higher road and occupying themselves with culture instead of hos. Guess the World Cup fans had their fair share of balls during the games.

Commentating Hugh Hefner's Grand Slam

Ever wonder what it's like to bang 84-year-old Hugh Hefner? We thought so! And lucky for you, Kendra Wilkinson has written a tell-all memoir appropriately titled "Sliding Into Home," in which she shares her story of growing up a drug addict, becoming a stripper, and finally getting frisky with the Playboy himself.

We sincerely hope she goes into as much detail as possible, because who wouldn't want to know what it's like to cuddle up to an octogenarian sack of bones?

[via CNN]

Summer Lovin

Okay, okay--we've been slacking. Call it a pre-summer slump, call it a brief stint back at celibacy, call it what you will. But please forgive us. All that matters now is that we're back!

And since we're back--you need to get back to Slut Rehab too!

Send recaps of your summer sexcapades to slutrehab@gmail.com for us to post (anonymously if you wish). In the meantime, we'll get you back on track with all of your sex/slut-related news.

Strap on your dental dams, kids--it's going to be a slutty summer!

Breaking News: Hooking Up Leads to More Sexual Partners!

So, it's official--scientists spend way too much time in the lab. Why, you ask? A group at the University of Iowa found the need to conduct a study about the amount of sexual partners people in committed relationships have vs people who have friends with benefits. Their conclusion? Those who enjoy friends-with-benefits scenarios are more likely to have sex with multiple people.

Um, we could have told you this just by common knowledge. And if statistics were necessary, we could have simply stood at the entrance of any freshman dorm in America polling drunken co-eds on their way in from the bar.

Hey, thanks scientists for wasting what we're sure was hard-t0-come-by grant money to come up with this more-than-obvious conclusion. How about you stop rubbing yourself with the contents of petri dishes once and a while and turn on some TV? We recommend Jersey Shore.

[via Gawker]

So, you read Playboy for the articles?

Congratulations, all of you slutterbugs! Playboy is now going to have a safe-for-work webpage, complete with all of those articles you LOVE to read!

No nudies here, "The Smoking Jacket" will give you a dose of "men's entertainment" without getting in trouble with the boss. Translation: get ready to use your imagination a whole lot more than you've been used to.

[via cnn.com]

Bad Romance: Grandma/Grandson Edition

So there's been this article flying about the Internet recently about this grandmother/grandson duo in Indiana who have sought out a surrogate mother to carry their lovechild. As a disclaimer, the article has been removed from its original website, perhaps indicating that the whole thing is a hoax--which makes it all that much more disturbing.

Apparently grandma had a daughter but gave her up for adoption. Years down the line, the daughter had a son, who eventually tracked grandma down once said daughter/mother passed away. When he sent his 72-year-old grandmother a photo of his 27-year-old self, her first reaction was quite natural: "I thought what a handsome and sexy man." Obviously. So then the two met, at first just hanging out, doing standard grandma/grandson things like bowling, shopping, and eating out. Ew, considering the next part of the story, which needs to be a direct quote from grandma, who couldn't hide her feelings anymore:

"'I called Phil into my bedroom, sat him on the bed, and then I leant over and kissed him,' Pearl says.

'I expected rejection but instead he kissed me back.'..."

Sound the incest alarm! Since then, they've carried on as lovers, moving in together and banging three times a week.

Look, dude, we understand that you're apparently some loser who may have self-esteem issues which give you zero game with the ladies. But your GRANDMOTHER? REALLY? Life is that bad?

Maybe we should be happy that two souls found each other and feel a connection like they've never felt before. Maybe it's not so bad since they never even knew each other until now--it's almost like they're just two people randomly meeting on a bus or on an online dating site. Maybe it's okay because they're adults and adults can do what they want.

Maybe not. We're going to go puke now.

[via Gawker]

Feeling a Little Frisky, Dolly?

Nipples not hard enough? Or, rather, are your blow up doll's nipples not hard enough?

Then you needto by (her) Nippurun ~ Stick-on Nipples to give her that always-excited look. Whether she has a headache, is feeling a little stiff, or is half-deflated.

A USB Port Like No Other

One of our tipsters sent us a piece about this ridiculously awesome Craigslist ad, where some secret-agent ho shoved her one-night-stand's flash drive up her poon and peaced out. Apparently his hard drive just didn't do enough for her. Fantastic!!

Librarians are Sluts Too, Ya Know

We always knew librarians were hiding something beneath those sweater sets and cat-eye glasses. And now the finally-released results of a 1992 librarian sex survey prove it.

While some reviewers are saying that there's nothing too risque to report on, we feel that there are quite a few secrets hidden amongst the stacks to discuss.

Let's start out with this one: "22% of the respondents felt that libraries should have condom dispensers in their bathrooms." WTF, why? Perhaps to save the librarians time from peeling apart the Playboy, Playgirl, and Playguy magazines that 40%, 23%, and 6%, respectively, of the surveyed think libraries should carry. (BTW, we need a copy of Playguy stat.) Or, to go along with the 17% of respondents who felt that libraries should carry X rated videos.

Then we get to the part about the librarians' own sex lives. Fittingly, each librarian was asked to liken their first time to a Shakespearean titles: 28% chose Comedy of Errors; 23% chose Midsummer’s Night Dream; 22% chose Much Ado About Nothing; 21% chose All’s Well That Ends Well; and 6% chose Rape of Lucrece.

Speaking of first times, 12% of the bookworms lost their virginity between ages 12 -15; 22% between 16 and 18; 37% between 19 and 21; 17% between 22 and 25; 5% between 26 and 30; 2% between 31 and 35; 1% between 36 and 100; 4% are virgins. Those last two statistics are heartbreakingly stunning, aren't they?

The literary references continue when survey takers were asked to pick one of the following to describe their sex life: romance (38%), fantasy (31%), comedy (22%), or tragedy (9%).

Here are some more stats for you:

50% of the respondents reported having sex 1 – 2 times per week
22% 3 – 4 times per week
21% – 0 times a week (If only 4% were virgins, we have lots of prudes mixed in!)
6% 5 -7 times per week
1% have it more than 7 times per week

63% had had sex in a car
57% in a sleazy motel room
52% sleeping bag
43% kitchen floor
32% hot tub
20% library
7% airplane
8% elevator

30% have had 2 -5 partners
22% – 1 partner
17% – 6 -10
16% – 11 -20
7% 21 -50*
4% more than 50*
4% – none
*denotes current members of Slut Rehab

20% of the librarians questions felt that sex without love is by definition bad sex. And we feel that you are delusional.

And while 61% of the respondents admitted to renting an x rated movie, 91% had also read The Joy of Sex; 29% read How to Make Love to a Man; 14% read Human Sexual Inadequacy; and 3% read Macho Sluts. Sadly, our local library does not carry the last title, but apparently it's a compliation of erotica by "noted pornographer" Pat Califia. Adding it to our Amazon wish list as we speak...

Ever get it on in a library? Send a recap of your literary encounter to slutrehab@gmail.com! Maybe we'll feature your story (anonymously if you'd like) on our blog.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a....Boobquake?

Set your knockers free--it's Boobquake day!!

Did you know that you, scantily-clad women of the world, are the cause for the abundance of earthquakes happening lately? Well, apparently that's the case, at least according to some Islamic cleric out there. The devastating earthquakes all around the globe have been a direct punishment from God for all of the skanks trotting about our planet.

As a result, a Purdue University student declared today Boobquake, a day where women everywhere should leave their bras at home and let the girls bounce around as they see fit. The problem? There was actually an earthquake today in Taiwan....

...maybe the Islamic guy was onto something after all?

Either way, we hope you're giving your bras a break today!

A Horse is a Horse

So as not to get sued, let's be honest right now--we're getting all of our info for this post from this Radar article. So, Oprah--sue them, not us!

Apparently the Queen of Daytime Talk has been making her billions since high school when she would send her younger siblings out on the porch with popsicles while she brought older boyfriends into her bedroom and performed "The Horse" on them for cash.

Though we can't (and don't want to) imagine Oprah performing a move like this, urbandictionary.com says that The Horse is "a sexual position where you have her get down on all fours..you put a pencil in her mouth and have her bite down on it and screw her from behind untill she starts blowing air outta her mouth...it sounds like a horse... "

We imagine it to be more of a rodeo. Either way, that's the Oprah sex news (according to Radar Online).

Who will be the Lucky Caller?

Ladies, get in line now! Larry King is single!

Seems that things with his eighth wife have gone south, so lucky for all of you, he's back on the market.

Just picture be bound up with those suspenders, yelled at to speak louder with that raspy voice, giving a massage to that hunch back.

Heavenly, no?

It's a No-Go for Gaga

So, you've probably heard by now: Lady Gaga is celibate.

Yeah, we’re not sure we buy it either, what with her wardrobe of high-cut, diamond-encrusted leotards as she prances across the stage talking about “vertigo sticks” and her “rear window.” But here’s what the pop star has to say:

“…it's OK not to have sex, it's OK to get to know people. I'm celibate, celibacy's fine.”

“I remember the cool girls when I was growing up. Everyone started to have sex. But it's not really cool any more to have sex all the time. It's cooler to be strong and independent.”

Thumbs down on her thoughts that “it’s not really cool any more to have sex all the time.” A walk to the corner for the paper will prove otherwise with billboards of half-naked models selling construction boots. But we’ll give her a thumbs up on encouraging girls to be strong and independent, making good choices, and not folding to peer pressure.

Still, shouldn’t she back that up by dressing the part and not being a factor in the “sex sells” mentality?

The Scent of a Woman's...Crotch?

Can't get enough of that oh-so-sweet poon smell? Well, now you can buy it in a bottle, with this new German cologne aptly named Vulva. Simply roll-on the scent-o-vagina, made out of "organic content" such as the "urine, sweat, and female arousal" of one particular blonde woman. The extraction and bottling process sounds quite complicated, but in this interview with Vice, the company head stands by his product.

No More Boners On-the-Go!

Apparently Apple is going on the warpath and slashing any apps that are too sexy. Have these changes affected you? Let us know if you're getting cockblocked by Apple!

A New Line of Slutty Clothes

Now this is a fashion line we can get behind. With a next-to-naked Pam Anderson strutting down the runway, the Richie Rich line A*muse, apparently created with the help of Anderson herself, premiered during NY Fashion Week. We're not sure who their clientele is--strippers, prostitutes, run-of-the-mill sluts, drag queens--but whoever purchases these "fashions" will surely grab attention. The big question, though, is why the hell Pam is trying to cover herself. No need to be modest when all you're wearing are two seat belts attached to a pair of hotpants.

Wrap Your Woody for National Condom Week

Since we're in the midst of National Condom Week (2/14-2/21), we've decided to give you some alternatives to your typical Trojans and Lifestyles. Here are some of the hottest trends out there:

Protect your putter with the Tiger Woods condom!

Get a 3-in-1 Frosty the Snowman condom pack and go thumpity-thump-thump all night long.

Call your pocket with this eight-ball number:

Live out your Obama, Clinton (either Bill or Hill), or...McCain (ew!) fantasies with these political condoms:

Or, studs, you can even put your own mug on a condom with a little inspirational message!

A Slutty Treasure Chest

Help your Slutty Valentine keep track of her little treasures, condoms, phone numbers, etc with one of these keepsake boxes. Our favorite is the one labeled Strumpet.

Slutty Readers

Does your Slutty Valentine know how to read? Or just how to count the notches in her bedpost? If she can read, she might like this erotic thriller, The White Lady Murders--written by a Slut Rehab fan. If you're on a budget, and your ho has a Kindle, it's only $1.