The Scent of a Woman's...Crotch?

Can't get enough of that oh-so-sweet poon smell? Well, now you can buy it in a bottle, with this new German cologne aptly named Vulva. Simply roll-on the scent-o-vagina, made out of "organic content" such as the "urine, sweat, and female arousal" of one particular blonde woman. The extraction and bottling process sounds quite complicated, but in this interview with Vice, the company head stands by his product.

Suck & Disorderly

Here's a case of male model sluttiness. Looks as though this Prada model thought he could get off of some public drunkenness and disorderly conduct charges by offering to suck off the arresting cops. Yeah, that's the way you'll beat the disorderly conduct charge.

Tales of a Prostidude

So, as you may or may not know, Nevada now has its first-ever male prostitute. This was a big deal a month or so ago—all over the news, etc—and now he’s back in the headlines.

Today, the NY Post ran an undercover story of one woman’s trip to Nevada, where she spent two hours with “Markus” for $500. Don’t bother reading the article, which is just a bunch of incoherent factoids slapped together. Here is your cheat sheet:

* The woman did not sleep or make out with ex-Marine Markus (real name, Patrick). This is the most important fact. How can you write an undercover expose if you don’t experience the goods? What a waste of $500.
* He is well-hung and has a crazy body.
* Patrick has mommy issues, which he credits as the reason he got into prostitution.
* He lost his v-card at age 23 (he’s 25 now) and has only slept with a total of SIX (6) women. What business does he have being a prostidude? Despite all of the publicity his hiring received, the reporter is only his second client.
* This man is truly pathetic—likening himself to Van Gogh, Moby, Rosa Parks, and Steve-O.
* We need less talk, more action. Surely the reporter just tried to keep him talking, but the unnecessary autobiography Patrick provided just makes him look ridiculous.

Add in the pre-getting-dirty shower to inspect each other’s goods and the heart-shaped, candle-filled hot tub…this revolutionary prostidude is everything you’d expect him to be.

Marshmallowy Kisses -- MISTLETOE CONTEST ENTRY

Submitted by M. Wayne

Under the mistletoe, my girl friend and I took a marshmallow,
put it between our mouths, then with another person saying "go",
the goal was to take your tongue and push it down the other person's throat.
Sort of french kisswarfare, much fun and erotic!
She won, had better control of her tongue,
which is a real plus when she pleases me!

A Poem on Kissing -- MISTLETOE CONTEST ENTRY

Submitted by M. Harris

ah...i can still recall that fantastic delightful bliss
from merging lips with a ravenous beauty who willingly parted her red ruby dutch two lips to entice me with a kiss
which rapturous engagement of succulent fleshy rims of thee mouth this older fellow doth cherish and miss!

since his current existence devoid of any satisfactory fusion of delicious smooch sans oral tongue play
especially countenanced under the mistletoe, a time honored custom when the spirits tend to feel gray
thus surrendering oneself (even albeit a complete stranger) keeps the seasoned gremlins at bay!

yet me memory keeps alive the delicious, humungous, luscious, precious, salacious, vivacious, wondrous zeroing of said
submergence of mine opened oral rift to allow, enable and promote egress of an absolute bombshell cleaved dame exemplifying finesse!

Have Boobies, Will Kiss -- MISTLETOE CONTEST ENTRY

Submitted by John K.

I dated a girl who blew my socks off every time we touched. We met doing a temporary job with a bunch of other people during a summer a few years back. She had a bit of an acne problem on her face, but her body was unbelievable. She had been a swimmer, so she had great tone and her curves were spectacular. She had to have been a 34D and she wore push-up bras every day that punched her doggies right up under her chin. She usually wore tight-fitting, medium to low cut tops to let all the boys have a gander at her massive mounds. I noticed her right away and wondered why no one else seemed to make a big deal about her. It might have been the aforementioned acne problem.

I noticed her at lunch, laying on the grass alone, usually reading. When she lay on the grass she laid stomach down with her breasts hanging down out of her shirt and her butt pushed up in the air. I thought to myself that this girl really wanted it bad. I laid next to her one day, kind of mocking her, and asked what she was reading. She was cool with everything and we soon set a date for the weekend. She didn't disappoint, baring a few inches of the top of her breastesses for me that night. I was beside myself trying to control my urges.

We went back to her place and watched the tube but she was very unresponsive. I was beginning to wonder what was going on. Soon, her roommate and his girlfriend came home from dinner then checked back out to go to the girlfriend's pad. As soon as the door shut behind them she pounced. Her body sent jolts of electricity through me each time she touched me. As I'm writing this I'm practically writhing on the ground remembering it. I told her she was the best I'd ever been with and kept asking her how she did it and to teach me and everything. All I got from her/remember was her saying very patiently, "Well, you can do it like you're showing them what you're going to do to them..." And then she pushed her tongue up way towards the roof of my mouth, and she also said, "I love teasing boys."

She was into the romance-novel kind of thing: stuff I found cheesy and thought only really fanciful people got into, but when I asked her how I could give her the feelings she was giving me she explained to me that I should pull her body into mine--just grab her lower back and press her up against me. And grab the back of her head and press it into mine when we were kissing. I thought that was a little melodramatic but it's very sexy when you think about it and it worked pretty well for the two of us.

So I guess the lesson is: seize control of your man, push your boobies up under your chin and shove your tongue way down in his mouth. Amen.