L'ultimo Hurrah

Well, folks, it’s the finale of Jersey Shore. We know you’ll miss it, and so will we. But, as they say, all good things must come to an end. So, relax your fists from this season of beating the beat and perfect your creep moves for summer 2010!

At the start of the not-so-exciting finale, Ronnie is still going to jail for knocking that guy out. When the gang gets home, Snooki decides to find out what the deal is

Ronnie gets out of jail, Sam cries about having to spend a night alone in the house. Ronnie doesn’t understand why he was arrested—says he didn’t deserve to be in jail. Um….you knocked a guy out. Oh, and he’s still saying how much the kid had it coming for talking smack. In conclusion, jail is a fitting place for you.

But now that you’re out, how about enjoying Labor Day weekend? It finally occurs to the group that, since they live across from the beach, maybe they should spend some time in the sand. What a novel idea. Grab your beach chairs and boogie boards, guidos!

But Snooki is disappointed with the lack of Juiceheads present. JWOWW had sounded the Juicehead alarm earlier and dragged Snook out of bed to check it out. But, alas, by the time they get there, the beefcakes have split.

But The Situation, King of the Juiceheads, has more luck when he arrives at la playa, instantly finding a lady. Okay, so the rest of the group thinks she’s jailbait, but it doesn’t matter. She’s breathing, right? Maybe she’s that special lady that the situation was looking for to spend his last night with. After all, none of the girls he collected over the summer will answer his calls.

But The Situation isn’t the only one who wants a date. Snooki wants in on the action too. So she musters the strength to call Cowboy Keith and ask him to meet up. She feels foolish for having to ask out a guy, but she pushes all of those feelings aside. Unfortunately, he doesn’t want to meet up. Looks like all that talk abot farm animals didn’t get you anywhere, Snook. But, really, we’re not sure why there’s a sudden need to find a date. Can’t she go out and dance by herself like she did the entire summer?

Oh, looks like we spoke up just in time! As if she can hear us, Snooki starts her own dance party on the boardwalk in an attempt to woo guys down from rooftop bars above. Okay, fine—she’s not always dancing by herself. Some random old people and breakdancers humor her and dance too. As they laugh. Then she looks up and sees an ex boyfriend. She shakes her stuff for him, but he refuses to help her out—or really even speak to her. This throws Snooks into a tizzy and she goes back to the house where she mopes around.

As Ronnie and Sam go out on one last date, the other bros go out for one lat wife beater-fashioned night out. They all come home to comfort Snooks. Mike gives her some pick-me-up advice and seems to make her feel better. Then he takes off her bikini top in the hot tub and shoves his tongue down her throat to really give her an ego boost.

In a final act of revenge for planting the Hate-orade under his bed, Vinnie plays a prank on The Situation. It involves a red bulldog, a hanger, and a t-shirt that says “I’m The Situation’s #1 Girl.” Meaning, The Situation only brings home dogs. The Situation gets a good laugh out of it.

After the gang has one last dinner, they reminisce and give their final interviews, each one reflecting on their time at the Shore. Then, of course, they propose getting a house next summer, which is already said to be happening. Season 2 could backfire, though, if these people stay in the spotlight in the meantime, being obnoxious and pissing people off in planes, etc. Let’s hope they can control themselves for the sake of reality TV.

The next morning, each Guido/ette gets into his./her respective shiny car (minus Snook, who hops back into her hooptie) and drives off into the sunset. Until next summer!


Some Final Brilliance:

“Should I call 911?” --Snooki, while eating a rice cake and trying to figure out how to locate Ronnie in jail
“I ended up spending a few hours for being the degenerate that I’m not. There was no reason for it.” -Ronnie, having obviously learned his lesson in jail.

“Yo, it’s gorilla central out there. Juiceheads everywhere. There are so many juiceheads out there, I’m like a kid in a candy shop.” –JWOWW on the beach situation

“Looking buff and brawly.” –Snooki, defining the term Juicehead

“I make my way over to some cute girls and do what I do best—and that’s pimpin.” --The Situation, picking up 15-year olds at the beach

“That ass did not look 12.” --The Situation on his chosen beach girl

“Why would you make me like you if you don’t even want to hang out with me.” --Snooki to Keith after he refuses to hang out with her

“I was honestly going to put my hat down so that people could put money in it. That’s what kind of a crowd I had.” –Snooki on her boardwalk dance show

“Come to my house, I miss you!” –Snooki to that ex boyfriend of hers
“No!” –The ex

“No one can ever take that bond from us. We have that bond for life.” PAUSE. “Wow, that was fucking deep.” –Pauly, reflecting on his friendship with The Situation and Vin

“If a guy doesn’t like you, it’s called fuck you—there are so many people out there in the world that’s gonna like you for you. I’m not having a girl over and I’m gonna hang out with the roommates.” –The Situation, trying to cheer up Snooks

“Pauly didn’t go on a date, but I don’t feel bad for him b/c he’s like, ridiculously, ridiculously good looking.” –Vin, also trying to cheer up Snooks
[Serious delayed reaction.]
“You have such good taste in men.” –Pauly D in response

“If you’re hungry, try a Snickers.” –The Situation in the hot tub, after taking off Snooki’s top
“Yeah, try me.” –Snooks, with a come-hither look, before she devours The Situation

“I was thinking about maybe getting down with Snooks real quick.” –The Situation, as he runs away from the hot tub

“I figure, I come in with a bang, I leave with a bang.” –Snooki, feeling better after her makeout session

“I have a lot of best memories.” –Snooki

And the Second Part Makes it Complete

After some down time to try to regenerate some brain cells, we’re back for Jersey Shore, part 2.

With the slow-mo and replays, it’s clear that J-WOWW clearly connected with The Situation’s face when she clocked him. Even though Vin was holding JWOWW back during the fight, in his private interview, it seems as though he really enjoyed it.

The next morning, our Guidos head back to the Shore house. That night, Vin and Pauly meet up with three girls who they “met creepin’ one day on the boulevard.” Even though Pauly has plans with the Israeli girl later on, he thinks she’s kind of annoying (translation: she’s a prude), so he’d rather hang out with the hot, fun girls. But, of course, they bump into Israeli girl on the boardwalk. He tells her that he’ll call when he gets home.

In the meantime, Snooki meets up with Keith, who seems to be wearing the same jeans and grey wife beater from the other night. Perhaps that’s his uniform. They go to Beachcomber, and once again are the only people on the dance floor. Do they close that place down for Snooki, or is it just always dead?

Back to Pauly and the gang, now at a different location. All of a sudden, Pauly looks up to see Israeli chick standing right next to him. How stealth. She gives him a t-shirt that says I <3 Jewish Girls and says he’d better call her because she won’t call him. Pauly is freaked out: “At this point I’m starting to think it’s mad weird, that chick.”

Next, Pauly goes on a scary ride with one of the new chicks, and when he gets off, Israeli girl is there waiting for him. Vinny says, “She’s definitely a stage 5 clinger.” Pauly doesn’t want to deal with it says, for the third time, that he’ll call when he gets home, which is soon because the new girls have had enough of Israeli girls and leave.

As soon as Vin and Pauly get home, the phone rings. Knowing it’s Israeli, Pauly tells Vin to answer the phone and pretend to be The Situation. Which is easy because when he answers, Israeli says, “Can I please speak to Pauly, Mike?” But then Vin says, “Aw, yo, Mike’s not here.” What an idiot. “Nah, this is Mike.” Then Vin does a great impression of The Situation, puckered lips and all. As they take the phone off of the hook, Pauly decides that Israeli is just too crazy for him.

At 2am, Pauly and The Situation decide play practical jokes. First victim? Snooki. As if she hasn’t been abused enough. The Situation slices up some pickles, then he and Pauly go into Snooki’s room. Pauly flops on top of a sleeping Snooki, apparently to distract her, but if he had just left her alone and sleeping, wouldn’t that have eliminated the need for a distraction? Anyway, The Situation hides the sliced pickles in various places: under her bed, on her nightstand, etc. Next, The Situation concocts some “Hateorade” for Vinny which includes cheese, milk, Caesar dressing, and pickle juice. Then he crawls into Vin’s room and places the bowl under Vin’s bed while he’s asleep. In the morning, both Vin and Snooki immediately notice funky smells.

But don’t forget about Israeli girl! The magic duck phone goes off again in the morning, and Pauly finally decides to take the call, but doesn’t get to have his say until about five minutes in. As the rest of the roommates sit on nearby couches watching, eating sammies, and laughing, Pauly lets it rip: “You talked my whole life on the boardwalk and when I got home, I had every intention to call you. If you weren’t such a fucking stalker, I would have called you when I got home.” After a few more words, he hangs up on her.

That night, the gang flees the stinky house to go bowling. After being told in confidence about the Hatorade, Sammi sells out The Situation, telling Vin. Loser. Aside from Snickers bowling in her flip flops (since when is that allowed?) and J-WOWW and The Situation making up, the outing is uneventful.

Back at home, Ronnie and Vinny lay into The Situation and his behavior, saying that he changed since the first day and that they liked the old Situation better than the new Situation. Things like “We like you for you” and “Just be yourself” were tossed around. The Situation insists that none of them know him—it’s only been 27 days after all. See below for some key quotes from the pretty much pointless fight.

The next night is pink and black corset night for J-WOWW and Snooki. They get all glammed up for one of the last nights out with the group. Once at the club, Pauly runs in to Israeli girl—surprise!—who says that he embarrassed her. You embarrassed yourself, ho. Still, the two leave the club and go off on a walk.

Snooki’s cudding on the couch with a blurry-face dude, her ass completely exposed with her leg thrown over his, until some blurry-faced girls sit down and ask what the two of them are doing. They say that the dude has a girlfriend—who is just feet away watching. Aw…poor Snooks—her men never work out!

As the group walks home, some girls start yelling, “Get out of Seaside Heights, tramp outfit, tramp. Go back to New Jersey, or New York, or wherever you’re from.” Ummm..you just are IN Jersey—how can they go back? And then in reference to Snooki, the girl asks, “Why is she in her Halloween costume?”

Suddenly, the guy with them starts cursing at Ronnie for no apparent reason. After some bouncers break everything up, our group continues on home. But then Ronnie runs back and knocks the guy out cold and to the ground with one punch (which we don’t see). Ronnie goes back to the group for the walk home, but then the cops find him, greet him by name, and arrest him for aggravated assault.

See you later, Ronnie!

SO SAYETH THE GUIDOS:

“If you leave, I’m gonna stuff your fucking nose with tampons.” --Snooki to J-WOWW

“She’s not even worth me looking at her.” --The Situation on J-WOWW after the fight

“I think my crotch is sticking out! I told him to put me down because I’m not trashy…unless I drink too much” –Snooki, while Keith gives her a piggy back ride on boardwalk.

“I figured, she’s like the aroma of sliced, dirty pickles.” –The Situation while preparing Snooki’s practical joke

“That hater juice is best served cold.” --The Situation, after serving up the Hatorade

“It kinda smells like old funk juice. It kind of has a pickle-y smell to it.” –Vinny, the morning after the Hatorade

“I’m not pissed that they put pickles under my bed as a joke, but I’m pissed that they wasted two pickles.” –Snooki, after she finds the pickles around her room

“Danielle’s not looking for a hookup, she’s looking for a husband. And I’m not ready for that.” –Pauly, on the Israeli girl

“It’s obvious that Sammi has a crush on me. It goes back to the days of prehistoric kindergarten.” –The Situation

“Vinny was definitely angry about the whole cheese situation and how he was a rat and he didn’t even do nothing. I guess he knew it was true.” –The Situation, after Vin denies that a bowl was every under his bed

“You’ll never get a girl over me, son, because I’ll get ‘em first.” –The Situation to Ronnie

“I closed that deal a long time ago, bra. I already got the title for that closing.” Ronnie in reference to The Situation saying that hooked up with Sammi first

“The first thing The Situation says when he brings home a girl is ‘Yeah, she was cute.’ I’ve had shit in between my toes that look better than her.” –Ronnie

“Snooki’s outfit is crazy. She looks like a birthday cake, all decorated, boobs up in her face. I guess she wants to go out ith a bitg bang…literally.” –Vinny, on Snooki’s corset

“All right, let me grab my three girls and walk away.” –The Situation after the first part of the fight

“Damn, the kid’s sleepin’ right now.” (Shoulder shrug) “That’s what you get for talking shit.” –The Situation after Ronnie throws the punch

Part One of a Double Feature

Since this week’s Jersey Shore was a double-whammy, we’re not going to go into as much detail as we normally do. Instead, we’ll gloss over the key points and then give you a list of the most quotable quotes. Here is part one:

We jump right back in with the whole dilemma of whether or not Sammi and Ronnie are spending too much time together. Sammi’s truly peeved that the thought would even be brought up by Snooki, and as she tries to gather The Situation and Pauly’s opinions, The Situation simply says, “Okay, I’m gonna be honest right now. The only thing we care about is gettin’ girls. Gettin’ girls and goin’ to the gym!”

Then there’s a fight over who really thinks Sam and Ron hang out too much—apparently it’s just Snooki and JWOWW. Sammy’s conclusion: they must be jealous. But the next morning, we find out that JWOWW really doesn’t give a fuck. So, now it’s just Snooki who cares. But why? She needs to just let them do their thing. So what if you think they’re not having fun or isolating themselves? Just do your thang, have fun, maybe get punched again, see what happens. Let them be couple-y and bang.

Maybe if Snooki just finds her own man she won’t be concerned with what the other are doing. Lucky for all of us, she finds one! “But he’s, like, Irish and talks like a cowboy.” Because the two go hand in hand. Since apparently he works on a farm, the two are able to bond over their love of animals—enough so that she brings him home and makes out with him. Though they don’t have sex, Snooki likes him and could maybe fall in love with him.

Also back at home after a night out is The Situation and Paula, who doesn’t care what she wears into the Jacuzzi (and therefore just wears her clothes) as long as she’s home by 7am. We must say, she’s probably the cutest girl he’s brought back all season. Anyway, they hardcore get it on in the Jacuzzi with Vin and his girl (slash the boss’s girl) giggling on the hammock nearby. When they realize they’re being watched, The Situation and Paula decide to leave the tub, and when Paula stands up, she flashes us some nip. Then, as The Situation leads her away by the hand, she totally slips and wipes out on the deck. Vinny nearly has a conniption laughing.

The next morning, Paula’s friend comes pounding at the door. It takes a while for anyone to answer, but of course Ronnie finally does—MTV should be paying him extra money to be doorman this season. So, while Paula gets bitched out by her friend for having gone MIA the night before, The Situation decides that he doesn’t want to hear the drama, so he goes into the shower. Since Paula can’t locate her things, she just leaves without her clothes. Nice. Later, The Situation calls Vin a creep for having watched the sexin.

Another night, another club. This time, Ronnie is MIA and it ends up that he’s talking to a girl (who looks like the SAW guy, btw), which The Situation makes sure to point out to Sammi, who does not approve. An exchange of words ensues, including Ronnie telling Sam not to trust The Situation because “He’s trying to creep on [her]. He’s not [her] fucking friend.” The Situation later changes his story to say that he didn’t necessarily see Ron talking to a girl—it could have been a group of people. It wasn’t.

Pauly D meets an Israeli chick—everything that needs to be said about that can be found in the quotes section below. The Situation’s sister returns, and it sounds like she’s been sucking on a helium balloon. But then Tanya (boss’s chick) shows up too, so Vin is in, according to him, “a little but of a bad situation.” He then leaves the sis to hang out with Tanya. This is not okay with The Situation, and he will defend sister’s honor. With just a few choice words, Vin ends up hanging out with sis again. Once everyone is tucked into bed, sis sneaks down to Vin’s bed to make out.

The next day, the gang packs up for Atlantic City, and once they arrive, everyone goes down for a nap. Except Snooki, who fires up the bubble bath by herself, creating her very own archway of bubbles under which she can sip her champagne. “This feels like a porno.” Yeah, a sad, lonely porno.

At dinner, people start talking shit, giving jabs back and forth. But Snooki isn’t having it. When The Situation turns to pick on her, she tells him to go fuck himself and called him annoying. Shit talking starts at dinner, both of which needed to be said. Then she asks for someone to pass her a roll, to which The Situation, right on cue, replies, “Don’t worry, you got a couple.”

JWOWW goes to make a surprise face, but really just looks like an emaciated fish (especially when paused on the DVR). As everyone tells The Situation that his comment was fucked up, Snooki leaves the table to have herself a cigarette and a good cry. The Situation refuses to go after her to apologize, and doesn’t even do so once she gets back to the table. Back in the room after dinner, Snooki cries some more, and at that point, The Situation kisses her on the head and apologizes. She tells him to watch what he says—that he’s rude, etc.

Down at the club, JWOWW and Snooki dance up on the couches, and then Snooki, in her short, short dress goes ass over teakettle. Not to worry—she still finds a guy to grind up on her. So it’s all good.

Vin also finds someone—a girl with “fake boobs, a nice butt, stomach showing” and makes out with her. But when he gets up to pee, The Situation goes in for the kill. “I pulled a robbery move on him.” He didn’t care that Vin had just been hooking up with her, The Situation just wants to have a fun night. She proceeds to give him a lap dance as he strangely pulls her hair.

As the night draws to a close, JWOWW gets sick in the bathroom and asks The Situation to bring her up to the room. He refuses, chick still on his lap. So JWOWW smacks him on the head and bitches him out, only to get kicked out of the club “like the piece of trash that she is.” (So says The Situation.)

Vin escorts Snook away from her hot man that she’d been making out with and was convinced she’d get ass from. Back in the room, Vin and The Situation bicker over whether The Situation stole Vin’s girl or if Vin just let him have her. And finally, as promised, JWOWW socks The Situation in the face again and before going to bed.

SO SAYETH THE GUIDOS:
“I believe we were pretty cute. We were holding hands possibly.” --The Situation on Paula

“You look at me and think I’m a snobby bitch, but I’m a veterinarian. I fucking save animals. Like, that’s what I do.” Snooki to her farmer/Irish man, Keith

“If I had to have sex with one guy here, it would probably be him because he’s a nice guy—he’s gotta be clean.” Snooki, reflecting on Keith and their lack of sex

“You have no game at all.” --The Situation to Vinny
“That’s not what your sister said.” --Vinny, in retaliation

“The Sammi and Ronnie situation may be crumbling as we speak. It’s only a matter of time until she pulls the eject button.” --The Situation (Insert “pulling eject button” motion here.)

“You want my card?” --Pauly to an Israeli chick a the club
“Delev--?” --Israeli chick
“Delvecchio. That’s gonna be your last name.” (AWESOME pickup line)
“Danielle Delvecchio. No, that’s too much.”
“That’s hot!”
“Danielle Delvecchio.” (In an Italian accent this time.)
“That’s fucking Italian. That’s hot!” (With hand motions, excitement, and huge smile.)

“Go to Israel? I don’t have a passport. Plus, they don’t like me. I got a cross on my arm.” --Pauly to the Israeli chick

“I don’t even understand that religion or what it is. I just want to get to the business.” --Pauly on Judiasm / the Israeli chick

“We’re not supposed to have sex until we get married.” --The last thing we hear from the Israeli chick

“I like my clothes like I like my women: options.” --The Situation, while discussing what to pack for AC
“You like your women like you like your underwear: dirty.” --Pauly D

“I gave her away as my sloppy seconds. How do I taste, bro?” --Vinny to The Situation

“I committed the robbery. You’d better grab your girl tight when I’m around because she wants me.” --The Situation to society in general

Hungry, Hungry Hippos

This week in Guido-ville, we get a tutorial in the all-important daily ritual of Gym, Tanning, and Laundry—more commonly known as GTL, which is how, Vinnie explains, a Guido is made. The Situation fully explains the process: “If the outfit is not lookin’ good, then the whole package is off. And if you feel off, you’re not gonna have a good night. So how do you get the best results? GTL, baby. Gym, Tanning, and Laundry. Because if everything’s put together—you look great, you feel great—it’s gonna be a good night.”

After getting the news that he won’t be evicted—despite the fact that he stole his boss’s girl and made out with her—Vinnie chats it up on the phone for 45 minutes with The Situation’s sister, trying to convince her to get on over to the Shore and go out with the gang. We’re not sure how this phone call happened—has he ever met her before? He mentions that she’s cute, but how does he know that? Or is he talking about her personality—since when do any of the guys on this show talk about a girl’s personality?

Oh, wait, The Situation has a clue: “He realizes how pretty I am, he wants to see my sister.” And he seems to be okay Vinnie going after his sis: “[He] knows not to push it too far of I’ll put him in my trunk.”

But, when the sister arrives, she is not nearly as hot as Vinnie had hoped. “She looked like Mike with a wig on. I was a little bit freaked out.” Then he ties to convince Paulie to pretend to be him.

Once Vinnie’s beer goggles are in place at the club, he doesn’t think the sis is so bad. Still, The Situation has to go scope out the scene: “When we go into the battlefield, I’m like the first strike. They send me out first. It’s like the Navy SEALS—they send them out first real quick. And I get sent out like a little reconnaissance and bring girls back.” He proceeds to pick up a girl in a tie-dyed mini dress (literally this time) and completely flashes her vag to the whole club.

Surprise, surprise, Ronnie and Sam leave the club early again. We just don’t understand why they bother getting all dressed up if they’re just going to go home after 5 minutes. Anyway, they hop into a cab and start exchanging harmless verbal jabs, including the one where Sammi calls Ron a “stumpy bastard.” In retaliation, Ronnie makes fun of Sam’s “Flintstone big toe.” While this is an amusing tidbit for us, Sam does not find it nearly as funny and proceeds to have a hissy fit in the back seat, ignoring Ronnie, who then says she’s acting like every other Jersey girl. This does not help the situation.

Back with the fun-loving group of Guidos, Snooki runs into a friend of hers at the club, saying, “If one thing leads to another, I’m not gonna tell him to get off.” She, the guy, and the rest of the gang then hop in a van to go home, but The Situation wants to make a pit stop at a different bar first. Snooki just wants to go home to make out, but gives hr man a test by telling him that he can get out and go with The Situation if he wants. He immediately jumps out of the car to go pick up chicks.

“Hard to believe, huh Snooks?” Paulie D says to comfort his friend. “It’s so hard to find a good man these days. That’s why I date women.”
At the house, Ronnie, in a pissy mood, starts grilling, wanting to be left alone. But then the van-ful of Guidos arrives and as a result, we get to the bottom of Sammi’s rant: She says he talked about her and that that’s the worst thing he could possibly do. Ummm? Then she says that she can’t help the way she looks. Come on! Insecure much? “I would never make fun of you, Ronnie!” Oh, so apparently you don’t recall saying he was a “stumpy bastard.” Shut the hell up. After Ronnie tells Sam that she overreacted, he goes downstairs to where the rest of the gang is hanging out and announces that he’s back: “I was so angry, I was like—yeah, I’m gonna go creep on girls.” Paulie gets all kinds of giddy and takes Ronnie out to a club.

Of course, Sam catches wind of this and gets pissed. Too bad getting pissed for no reason doesn’t bur calories. With her hair extensions in her hands (well, we hope they’re hers), she rants about how much guys suck.

But her guy, Ronnie, per usual goes home after 5 minutes. He just can’t do it. He regrets what he did—and what that is, we’re still trying to figure out. When he gets home, he tells Sam, “There’s no girl that’s gonna compare to you.” Gag. Gag. Gag.

Once the two lovebirds make up, The Situation rolls up with Snooki’s friend after a night of creepin’. Snooki’s not happy to see her guy back for leftovers and tells him, “Lick my ass.”

But The Situation’s not done creepin’. Any minute, he’s expecting Alice to show up at the house—she’s the girl he had in his bed one night but her friend clockblocked. When she arrives, The Situation says, “Alex rolls up with two giant bodyguards. One of which was the second grenade that was here lat time….There’s one huge grenade launcher, one grenade.”

So what does he do? He sicks Snooki on grenades 1 and 2, asking her to kick them out. Like a good roommate, she tells The Situation’s girl that she can stay, but says that the others need to leave. Well, that makes the grenades explode with insults. Snooki holds her own, until one grenade throws a drink at her and hell breaks loose. The boys get in the middle, nearly fighting the grenades themselves. Snooki, who was being cornered by one of the guys says, “Then this one girl starts charging me like a fucking hippo.” A few smacks are exchanged. Things get so bad that even Ronnie and Sammy rouse from their makeup sex slumber to help control the chaos. As the hippos get a police escort from the property, Sammy shouts the biggest insult of the night after them: “You don’t even look Italian!”

We’re not sure what that has to do with anything, but given that it’s the Jersey Shore, it must be an insult. Still, the hippos continue to scream and threat, one of them passes out and gets arrested. Then, just in time, a garbage truck rolls up, and Vinnie yells to them, “Yo, your ride’s here!” Then Paulie D laments about what white trash the girls were.

Unfortunately, in the rumble in the jungle, Snooki’s face gets fucked up again. Paulie D has a simple solution: “She needs to take some karate classes or something.”

With everyone starting to calm down, Snooki bitches out The Situaion for bringing home dumb bitches that she has to fight. She has a point. She then beats the shit out of him with a blow up, squeaky hammer. Where was that when the hippos were around? As he has her up in the air, slung over his shoulder, she punches him in the balls, which surely all of the roommates want to do as well.

“I will definitely say I felt bad about Snickers getting hit by a couple of linebackers,” The Situation says in an interview. “I necessarily didn’t want to bring home any sort of zoo creatures whatsoever. I mean, these broads probably just smelled the food at the house.”

We have a couple of questions about tonight:
1. Aside from when we saw JWOWW reviving her hotpants and fishnets uniform, where the hell was she? Especially during the melee.
2. So, The Situation was bringing that girl Alex back to the house—which started all of the mess. But let’s keep in mind—his sister was staying over. Was he just going to bang this chick with his sister right there?

Moving on. The next day, Vinnie’s family comes for a visit—about 20 of them, bearing four trays of ziti, “tank tops,” and socks for Vin. Then his mom cleans the house.

That night, the gang goes barhopping and immediately run into a dude who is asking too many questions and being overall annoying. According to Paulie D, “He wanted a problem.” We have to say, Paulie is doing a really good job at deflecting the guy’s comments and trying to cut him off from the group. But once Paulie and The Situation leave to go home to call in some females to get the party going at Beachcomber, things quickly deteriorate.

Ronnie and Sammy go to leave the bar around the same time as the annoying guy and his girlfriend, who do their best to walk parallel to our dear Guidos, harassing them all the way. Ronnie and Sammy try to ignore them, but it gets to be too much, and the guy tells them, “Go back to SI where you belong.” Then he yells at Sam, who is antagonizing the guy—even engaging him is making things worse, but she apparently can’t wrap her head around that. So she starts talking about the girlfriend’s fake Louis bag while she, herself, looks to be carrying a fake Chanel. To get her to shut up, Ronnie gives Sammy a little shove at yells at her for antagonizing the guy, who starts shouting about domestic violence. Sammy storms off just in time for the fight to break out with Ronnie pounding on the guy and the guy’s girlfriend trying to break it up, but really just getting a few smacks in on Ronnie. As the two guys tussle on the boardwalk, the girl tries to pull Ronnie off by his belt.

Cut to the house, where Paulie D and The Situation are putting in their calls to random ladies they’ve met when someone beeps in to say that Ronnie just got into a fight. They immediately throw on their sneaks and run to the rescue. While Ronnie absolutely beats the crap out of the guy, the girls try to rip the guys apart, all the while talking shit to each other. Some random bouncer breaks up the fight and Ronnie walks away with a limp. The Situation and Paulie aren’t sure where on the boardwalk the fight is happening, so they decide to follow the sound of the police sirens.

As Ronnie and Sammy head back home, Ronnie tells her to stop talking to him and blames the fight on her, which makes her feel bad—and she should. Learn how to keep your mouth shut.

Finally The Situation and Paulie catch up to Ronnie to find out the situation. They escort him home where Ronnie starts flipping furniture, pissed about the fight but also upset that he pushed Sammy. She’s crying about it to Snooki when Ronnie goes to comfort her, but all she can say is, “You just traumatized me.”

He apologizes and the two kiss and make up.

He says, “I have the best girl in seaside and I don’t want to mess this up.”

They hug awkwardly on a deck chair as our screen fades to black.

Guidos--Better Late Than Never!

Cozied up with a bowl of homemade butternut squash soup, it’s time to fire up the DVR and watch the New Year’s Eve episode of Jersey Shore.

We start out with Snookie post-punch weeping on the ground of the bar, the punching douche bag fleeing like he’s on fire, only to get nabbed by cops and escorted to the cruiser while a mob of Guidos shouts and curses him out. Again, it’s surprising that the Guidos didn’t have a more violent reaction, though they did attempt to throw a few punches (not of the fist-pumping persuasion) toward the DB’s friends.

After Snookie gets some ice and is assured that none of her teeth are broken, the gang decides to go back to the house to cool off and collect themselves. While the troops gather, The Situation tries to convince a random girl to go back to the house with him, saying, “We need to hang out for a little bit.”

Ronnie doesn’t like this and we totally agree with him when he says, “Snickers got punched in the face and The Situation’s creepin.” Not an okay situation, Situation.

However, Ronnie loses us when he tries to blame The Situation for instigating the punch by buying the DB shots. People buy other people shots all of the time and punches to the face are not the normal thank you. It’s not fair to pink some DB’s social dysfunction and lack of control on The Situation. But, The Situation was right there when the punch happened, and he didn’t do anything about it. Fine, he claims that he was in shock, which apparently involved guiding the DB away from the scene by the small of his back, not clobbering him with those giant muscles and then shouting, “Now THAT’S the Situation!”

The next morning dawns and we find Ronnie’s family on the doorstep, casserole in hand. Aside from his mom incessantly bitching about how long Sammy is taking to get ready and how it’s cutting into her tanning time, nothing extraordinary happens while they’re around. Interestingly, though, we heard a rumor that Ronnie is not, in fact, a Guido. He’s Puerto Rican. Now, when we heard that he was from the Bronx, we questioned how he could be a Guido, but figured that one or two must be able to infiltrate the neighborhood, but when Ronnie’s mom departs with a “Vamanos,” we have no doubt to discredit the rumors. But how could MTV lie to us like that?!

While Ronnie, Sammy, and Vinny are out with Ronnie’s fam, Snooki and JWOWW do some bonding over lunch and drinks. We can’t even express how much we love watching Snook trying to take a shot with half of her mouth since the other half is still banged up from the punch.

After lunch, Snooki finds out that her DB puncher has been released on jail and is obviously afraid. But not to worry—JWOWW has a solution to make everything all better. They should go tanning, clearly! Because it fixes everything. Now, instead of dragging their asses across the boardwalk and plopping down on the sand to take in some natural sunshine, the girls hop in a car with Sammy and head to the salon for some fake and bake.
While they’re buying skin cancer, the fellas start grilling and prepping for a quiet night in. And as soon as Snooki (or as her roommates call her—still—Shnookie, Snickers, Snicky, Shnooks, Snookers) walks in the door, one of the guys tries to show her a live lobster. At that point, she freaks out, saying, “I’m a vet tech. I save animals, I don’t kill them.”

But even though the girls are home, they don’t help out in preparing the dinner, which annoying The Situation: “I know us guys are awesome, but come on girls—at least chip in a little bit.”

Once the gang gets settled around their big family table, the dig into the feast. Once again, we get some giggles out of watching Snookie gnaw on an ear of corn with just the right side of her mouth, which she justifies by saying, “I couldn’t get it in my mouth because I’m disabled.” Bet that’s the first time she’s ever had to use that excuse.

After a tiff about who will clear The Situation’s used plate once dinner is over, The Situation tells Sammy that because she wouldn’t throw out his garbage, “You are excluded from Surf & Turf night. You are excluded from Ravioli Night. You are excluded from Chicken Cutlet Night…. We coordinated a feast while you were getting your nails done” While we love that there are scheduled theme-dinner nights, we don’t think that girl will every allow herself to be excluded from any meal. Ever. But we have to agree with The Situation on this one. In our fam, if you cook, you don’t clean. It’s that simple.

Apparently nobody in the house likes Mike. Well, we like Mike!

Next, the gang climbs aboard a boat aptly named and head to a nearby bay that doubles as Guido mecca. Once anchored, JWOWW hops on a floatie and paddles her way over to a fat Guido on a purple, yellow, orange, and red flame boat. He ungracefully pulls her up over the side and onto said watercraft.

Back on SS “Forgetaboutit,” Paulie D jumps in the water and doggie paddles around, after which, his hair is completely in tact. Not only does this prove that his hair gel of preference is magical, it also allows us a chance to really get to know Paulie’s hair: “My hair’s windproof, waterproof, soccer-proof, motorcycle-proof. I’m not sure if my hair’s bulletproof, and I’m not willing to try that.”

Paulie says that Ronnie’s wasting his time with sam. He could be dancing with all of the guidettes on the boats.

Ronnie, who everyone believes is wasting his time with Sammy when he could be bumping and grinding with the thousands of floating Guidettes around, suddenly wants to leave. But for some reason, he aims his corralling efforts toward a getting-her-mack-on Snookie, who he literally pulls off of a boat (even though The Sitch and Paulie are right next to her)—after all of the post-punch BS he was talking about how he loves her. Guess that didn’t last long.

After Guidos on Water, we head back to the house, where Paulie D and The Situation are strategizing potential booty for the night. Cut to The Situation’s explanation: “There is def a # scheme when it comes to girls. Let’s just say 10 girls have slipped you their # within that particular week, it’s possible that 5 or 6 may not answer. Somebody may pick up but their busy. We’re prob on 3 or 4 and I’m going to have to make a decision about which group of girls are right for me and my boy Paulie.” Now cut to him on the phone with a girl asking how many friends she’s going to bring and if they are cute. When she says yes, “All right—we’ve got a situation.” As if she really would have called her friends busted. Back to The Situation: “As long as you keep calling, there will be success in your numbers game. It’s just like anything.” Very deep.

As Ronnie and the girls leave The Sitch, Paulie, and Vinny at home where they will host the phone call girl and co, Ronnie says, “They’re going fishing tonight—they’ll probably scrape something off the boardwalk.”

Let’s let Paulie D describe the detritus scraped off of said boardwalk: “They’re smart and everything, but they want to hook up just as well. I think it will take a couple times seeing them to hook up. They’re not, like, whores.” Then we’re not interested.

But apparently The Situation is, because he’s actually going to take one of them out for lunch and dinner. Wooo! Because “she’s actually a pretty girl I’m attracted to to the point where I’d rather do sweet things for you instead of you know, just come home and hook up. It’s just a different situation.”

And now we’ll get Vinnie’s take on the girls: “There are some girls that are just gonna come here, strip off their clothes, and jump in the Jacuzzi. Then there are some girls that are respectful that you have to actually treat like girls—human beings.” What a novel idea!

Okay, so we know that the guys aren’t getting any ass tonight. What is the rest of the gang up to? Well, they’re at a club, and some girls start yelling at our Guidettes for seemingly no reason, but then they cross the line and call poor Snookie (the literal and verbal punching bag) fat. Even though it’s completely try, JWOWW throws drink at the ho and then throws some punches. Even though security is involved, some random chicks come out of nowhere and yank on JWOWW’s hair. It does not stop her from beating the crap out of the loud mouth. However, JWOWW would have liked three more seconds without the bouncers, because during that time she would have been able to do justice with an upper cut. Or you could have smothered her with your ta-tas.

Back at the house, the guys say goodnight to the prudes, one of whom tells The Situation some key information: “Everybody’s talking about Mikey and Paulie, The Problem and the Situation and how they’re hooking up with everybody.” Upon hearing the news, Paulie almost pisses himself in his leopard print blankly and says, “All I wanted was to make a name for myself in NJ.” Way to go!

The next morning, as The Situation almost sets the kitchen on fire by using way too much Pam, Paulie D hauls in his DJ equipment to get ready for his gig tonight. After checking out the Italian-flag painted equipment, Ronnie dubs Paulie D “the ultimate Guido.” We agree with that.

After a greasy breakfast, The Situation is ready for lunch with the Brazilian prude from the night before. Unfortunately, he won’t answer his calls. But it’s all good. “You know what,” The Situation explains, “everybody gets stood up, everybody gets hung up on and rejected, and I’m not saying I’m not. I’m just saying 9 out of 10 times I’m good wit it.”

Before going out to see DJ Paulie D spin, JWOWW gets a delivery of the rarest (and ugliest) blue roses from her boyfriend, who, let’s remember, she cheated on with “The Ultimate Guido.” This annoys Ronnie, who calls the boyfriend a sucker and says, “I would give her shit in bubble gum. I would put my shit in a pack of bubble gum and say, ‘Chew on this.’”

To thank her boyfriend, JWOWW goes out to Paulie’s gig in hotpants and fishnets. After just a few minutes of being there, in the middle of Paulie’s set, Sammy and Ron head home to get in on.

Then Vinnie, who is finally getting a decent amount of airtime, meets a cougar. After convincing her to leave with him, they make out against a car. Then tells him that she went to the club with Danny—Vinnie’s boss. Nice going!

With another episode airing tonight, we just can’t get enough of The Jersey Shore.

"Yeah, We Smushed"

We were full of excitement as the opening credits of this week’s “Jersey Shore” rolled, but then they started in on the lame Ronnie/Sammy drama that we left off on last week: with Sammy storming back home, ready to “knock a bitch up.”

When she gets there, Sammy asks Ronnie, passed out on his bed wearing just a towel, if he & JWoww hooked up. He says no, but she calls him disgusting anyway. They debate back and forth over which one did the worse thing: Dancing with another girl vs. Giving another guy her number. As Sam takes out her hair extensions, they both agree that “this is not a game”—their relationship, that is—and then they share a good cry.

“You’re my best friend,” Sammy says before she and Ronnie hug it out. These two really need to stop crying—they’ve only known each other for about five days.

Finally, we get to spend some time with The Situation, who quickly reminds us that “Girls love The Situation.” Ugly girls with fat asses, apparently. The Situation and Paulie once again prove that while they can pick up women no problem, they can’t pick up attractive women. Why, with all of the time they spend on themselves, can’t they get a decent chick? Are there just slim pickings down on the Shore?

When one of said homely girls complains about her lack of bathing suit for the Jacuzzi, The Situation says, “I feel you on that, but we’re going in our underwear. That’s what’s happening right now.” This has to be The Situation’s pickup line: “I have a Jacuzzi at my house.” It obviously works.

Let’s get Paulie D’s take on tonight’s female specimen: “They were actin’ kinda stupid but we made the best of it.” Then he set the girls at ease by pointing out the fact that “a bra’s the same as a bathing suit.” Bet you girls are wishing you had worn your sexy undies tonight and not those grannies! Who knew you’d be so lucky to get invited back to a Jacuzzi filled with Guidos and oil-slicked water from their hair gel?

“Paulie’s hookin’ up with his girl. I’m hookin’ up with my girl, and we’re gonna have sex.” Cut to The Situation squint-nodding, “That’s the situation.”

Then Paulie and The Situation get into a totally homoerotic side-by-side makeout session, which abruptly comes to an end when Paulie’s girl says that she has to go home because her “mom is gonna freak out.”

The Situation comes back from his search for a condom to fix the situation by asking “What’s the problem? You hungry?” They may be fatties, but food does not fix every situation, Situation.

But Paulie’s girl insists they go home—probably to get out of this uncomfortable situation—and the bff says that since the other girl is her ride, she has to bizzounce too. So the Situation’s situation gets totally cockblocked. And he thought those days were over when Staten Kardashian left the house last week. Guess not! The girls go home unfed and unsexed.

And we bet Paulie’s girl was thrilled with that decision once she watched last night’s episode—during which Paulie announced to the world that they didn’t have sex because she had her period.

The next morning, Sammy wakes up still mad at Ronnie, but they seem like they’ll be okay—unfortunately—and they head off to work together. After their shift, Ronnie tells Sammy, “You really have to, like, catch my eye, and be like really, you know what I mean, something special for me to be like, like I’m feeling you.”

“So am I like special?”

We finally appreciate all of the times our moms said not to use “like” every other word. Hey, Jersey Shore kids, maybe you should try the same. We dare you.

Back at the house, Ronnie and Sammy climb into bed—the metaphoric use of fireworks to signify their first sexing is overwhelming.

“Yes, we had sex,” Sammy says beaming the next day. “That’s what you do when you’re into somebody!”

“Yeah, we smushed,” recaps Ronnie, ever the poet, taken over by his feelings for Sam.

The next day is a rainy one, so the boys go low key, getting fresh tans, fresh haircuts, maybe hitting the gym. As Paulie D says, they “gotta stay fresh to death.” Well, fake tanning will kill ya, fellas.

The Situation recommends that normal people spend an hour a day at the gym, but says that he’s “at the gym for like an hour and a half workin’ on [his] fitness.” So, you too can become A Situation by spending that extra half hour working out.

While the boys get their hair did, The Situation brags that he’s gotten with every girl in the house. We’ve been watching religiously, when did all of that happen? Sam, yes we saw. Snookie, yeah they made out last week. But what about JWoww and Angelique or whatever the hell her name was? Did we miss something?

Big thumbs up to The Situation for calling out Ronnie on falling in love at the shore even though he was talking all sorts of smack about how it’s such a terrible idea. Way to go, Situation!

But then a big thumbs up to Ronnie, therefore canceling out The Situation’s big thumbs up, for saying that “Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point.” It’s true—The Situation has brought home multiple girls but has yet to get ass as far as we can tell. That’s a bad situation.

That night at Karma, Snickers does all sort of gymnastics on the dance floor, her thankfully-blurred-out thong exposed to all of the unfortunate people in there. Then she humps the dirtiest floor we’ve ever seen—complete with gum and trash all over the place—which makes JWoww extremely proud, and so are we. JWoww, sans the blinged out necklace of the state of New Jersey that she was wearing earlier, loves every second of Snooker’s show—but does she feel the same about the pot bellied, nasty-ass guy Snookie ends up grinding up with?

Paulie D leads a group of guys to the dance floor, where they all crouch down and bang their hands against the ground along with the music. They’re “beating up the beat,” dontcha know. Then they slowly stand up and fist pump en masse, skittering their feet all around, which arouses JWoww so much that she jumps onto Paulie and uses him as a pole.

But JWoww isn’t enough for Paulie. He wants a different girl who will “get down to business,” not one who will waste his time by only wanting to hang out. So, he puts his game plan into action and makes the rounds, “lighting up” the place to find Miss Right Now. Then at the end of the night, he’ll see what he ends up with. Cue montage of Paulie and The Situation making out with about 20 girls at the club. Before they head home, the boys have a powwow and decide that they have nothing else going on, so they “may as well grab these ones,” meaning two girls that The Situation has been talking up all night.

They all head home, but then the boys spot two “hotties” in a Benz and ditch the settled-upon girls. The Situation asks the new girls, “Do you want to hang out or fucking not, don’t fuck around.” Such a smooth talker.

Since Snookie has been ditched at the club, she decides that some guy she calls Ron (really named Russ) can walk her home. She says he’s not her type, but is so much more of her described type than the wimpy guy she brought home the last time.

At the house, it looks like Paulie and The Situation are having second thoughts about ditching the busted up girls because the Benzies don’t want to hang or go into the Jacuzzi or anything—just cuddle on the couch.

Meanwhile, Smuckers and her man get lost on the way home so they make their way to a beach where she excitedly says, “We can watch the sunrise!” Didn’t she use that same line on the wimp? A blanket or sheet magically appears and they make out.

Back at the house, The Situation, not knowing that she has a boyfriend, tells his Benz girl, “You’re definitely kind of cute.”

“Kind of cute?”

“Well that’s the way I say it. Not to give you too much credit, but at the same time, I’m attracted to you.” Man, he is ruling this episode!

Now the original busted girls show up, saying “You invited me here, now get your ass down here.” The boys don’t know what to do. They obviously want to get rid of the lame-os: “The upstairs girls are not gonna do it, so let’s just see what we can do.” They descend the stairs and tell the original girls that they’re going to kick out the Benzies because the original girls “are cuter.”

“If you can respect that,” The Situation says, “then that’s what we’re gonna do.”

Yes, you and your plan definitely deserve respect.

So the Benzies leave under the genius plan that the original chicks are the guys’ pissed-off roommates. The Situation says of his Benzie, “I might have to give her attention in the future, but I don’t know—maybe not.”

He quickly moves on to his original girl who is “more cuter than the other….Paulie D was with the grenade” because “when you go into battle, you have to have some friends with you just in case a grenade is thrown at you, one of your buddies takes it first.”

Put on your helmet, this is going to be a scary ride!

Paulie D admits that he’s taking one for the team and is confident that The Situation would do the same but we’re not so sure. The Situation seems to use Paulie as a doormat—bossing him around and calling all of the shots. Paulie—stop being such a lapdog and maybe The Situation will take one for the team in the future.

Paulie also says that his girl is busted, that she’s not hot, she’s annoying, etc—but really she’s one of the better-looking ones they’ve brought home. In a truly laugh-out-loud moment, the group is climbing the stairs to the roof deck, but Paulie suddenly turns around and goes inside to bed. Awesome. “Paulie immediately fled the scene and left me in arms way.” And what about in harms way? “That girl was a bomb and Paulie did not know the code to decipher the bomb.”


The Situation soon “flees the scene” with his girl, leaving the busted one upstairs by herself. Busty goes searching through the house for her friend and does, interrupting The Situation’s makeout session by telling her friend, “You don’t want to do this.”

Cockblock #2 of this episode for The Situation, who, Paulie D says “took too long. He needed to get down to business.” It’s true— The Situation was too concerned about taking naps with his original chick than getting his mack on.

Cut to Snooki making out with her guy on the beach at sunrise as a sand tractor rumbles by. How romantical!

JWoww’s boyfriend calls the morning after the club and asks her about her pole dancing on Paulie. Apparently Snickers’s man is friends with the bf…and he reported back that JWoww was dancing all night with “the toolbag with the blow out.” The bf then says, “I don’t know who else that would be.” While we love the description of Paulie and the boyfriend’s reaction, we are confused about whether or not he wants to be with JWoww. Either forgive her and move on or don’t and move on. Don’t live in this limbo where you have people spying on her.

The sentimental segment about Snookie and her mom serves no other purpose than to: 1) get us feeling something for the Snookster before she gets clocked in the face; and 2) confirm, by meeting her standard white-Italian mom, that Snookie is originally light-skinned, and that only because of the extreme amount of tanning she does did we think she was part Indian.

That night, the gang has a great time in a friendly, calm bar, playing games and casually drinking. For once, Snookie feels like she belongs in the group.

The guys start getting suspicious of three non-Guidos trying to get attention and bumming drinks off of the gang, stealing shots, etc. The Situation tries to stay cool and mediate, but Snookie and a friend of hers point out to the non-Guidos that they are stealing shots and are therefore losers. Suddenly, DoucheBag #1—as we’ve all heard by now—punches Snookie’s lights out from about two feet away.

Now, we didn’t see the actual punch this week because MTV got so much flack after showing it in the coming attractions. We think they should have shown it, as painful as it was to watch. We’ve already seen it, and I think that the guy deserves to be humiliated as much as possible by showing his cowardly act over and over again.

DoucheBag #1, who we now know is a NYC gym teacher, “flees the scene” like a deer in headlights, almost like he can’t believe that he did it either. He’s arrested outside.

Though JWwow jumped on the guy before he got away, the Guidos of the house seemed to remain relatively calm. They just went running out after DoucheBag # yelling. Surprisingly, there is no violence on their part, which is probably the right thing considering that violence is bad. However, the guy definitely deserved to get his ass kicked.

The aftermath of the punch-out will be aired next week and will include Snookie sitting on the bathroom floor saying, “Please don't tell me I have missing teeth!” over and over again.

Gang, we’re happy to have you back after last week’s disappointing episode. See you at the Shore!

A Short-Lived Love

Dear MTV,
Last week’s premiere episode of “Jersey Shore” was life-changing, prize-worthy, rich in stupidity and terrible language, hair, and fake tans. And while we are eternally grateful for this week’s fist-pumping, “creepy” dancing, and Angelina dismissal, we feel duped. What happened in your editing room between then and now? How could we have gotten two full hours of gem-encrusted Guido glory one week and absolute crap the next?

We started out well enough with the recap of Pauly-D and JWoww’s pre-ham makeout session, where the latter doesn’t seem to remember actually kissing Pauly or trying to go “downstairs,” but knows that something happened. We’d love to hear what she does remember, but she seems to just accept what she’s told happened and sets off on a mission to “get all the facts together” before she tells her bf. Getting said facts includes asking Pauly who else he made out with the night before….no one. Looks like that defense mechanism backfired, huh JWoww? Besides, you shouldn’t be justifying your actions according to those of other people. Let your slutty self roam free—you’ve already told us that the “trash bag” side of you (as Pauly so eloquently put it) exists. So why the search for assurance that you’re not the only ho in the house? Don’t let the others steal your glow stick spotlight!

As for the drama between The Situation, Ronnie, and Sammy….we’re over it. As we know, The Situation “had his choice of pretty much anyone” on the shore, so even though Sammy and The Situation were vibing at first, it’s no sweat off his beefcake back that she moved on to Ronnie. Or is it? MTV wants us to think so. After The Situation tells Sammy she looks pretty in her tight T-shirt and way-too-short-for-her shorts, she gets all blushy and says, “That’s why I like you, nice guy…Well, not like that. Not like that.” There many not have been any sweat on that one either, but it makes the Situation’s few brain cells kick into overdrive, still just managing to repeat whatever Sammy says—all be it with an attitude.

The pickle scene with Snooki sucking on a dill does nothing for us, even though Pauly and Vinny apparently get boners watching her. We don’t want to see Snooki sucking on anything—especially while wearing a “Future Porn Star” hat. Thanks.

Things get boring until JWoww’s boyfriend comes to town, bearing a bunch of roses, totally oblivious to the fact that his girl has been getting frisky with a 28-year-old Guido DJ.

Angelina’s friends Alana and Elena (how cute) show up and are ready to go out. But first Angelina gets on phone with her bf and asks him to meet her at a club. He douche-ily agrees, but she doesn’t seem excited. And we don’t blame her—any time she talks to him, he’s a dick. Why come down to the shore and spoil her fun?

Vinnie’s looking to have a “classy night,” so he dons a purple tie, and as the gang hops into a giant van, one of the Guidos shouts, “Let the pay per view event begin!” If we ever had to pay extra for this episode, we’d demand our money back.

Okay—so now we have some potential—we’re in a club, so there’s bound to be fistpumping and/or dirtiness. But then Angie’s bf shows up and randomly storms out five minutes later, telling her not to call him even again. WTF? Angie’s girlfriends tell Snooki that the bf is going through a divorce. Angie goes home to cry about it.

We have to say that The Situation, as ridiculous he is, has decent grammar—namely, he is consistent in using parallel structure. Take, for example last week’s “Everybody at the shore definitely knows The Situation. And as far as I know, everybody loves The Situation. And if you don’t love The Situation, I’m going to make you love The Situation.” And now this week, while summing up Angelina and one of the many reasons why we hate her so much: “She needs the attention, loves the attention, and anybody else that has the attention, she’s gonna try to grab it.” Well done.

In bed, JWoww’s bf says, “If you do anything with another guy, I’m out.”

She tries to nonchalantly defend herself, claiming true love and perfection, but he gets suspicious and wonders why she got upset about what he said. Perhaps because she’s hiding something! She then tries to convince him that he has an amazing girlfriend and confesses in an interview that she need to “figure out how to approach it.” We do believe that she truly feels bad about the cheating, but she either needs to tell the bf or get the hell over it. And either way, continue slutting it up because as of right now, she’s the only exciting person in the house.

Over breakfast, the roomies discuss how much of a d-bag Angie’s bf is. They’re all talking shit about her, and editing makes it look like she’s right in the next room, but we’re not so sure. She wouldn’t just sit there and take that. Angie once again skips work, trying to justify it by saying that she doesn’t feel well and that she got into a fight with her bf. The Boss Man isn’t having it and goes to the house to find out what’s up. At that point, Angie loses all remaining points she had managed to hang on to by completely disrespecting the boss and humanity by asking him to meet her in the bathroom. I mean does she think that he wants to put himself in a situation where a psycho might try to pin sexual harassment or something worse on him?! Think, bitch! When he refuses to actually enter the bathroom, she refuses to talk to him. Rightfully so, she gets kicked out of the house! Yay!!! If only she’d get kicked off of the planet too. She packs her shit back into her trash bags and a suitcase that has magically appeared, and goes back home. The roommates are not upset at all and barely say goodbye. Get the F out of here!!

So JWoww finally tells her bf about her roaming tongue. He takes it better than expected at first—no yelling or whatever, just calmly asks if she wants to break it off. She says no, that she loves him. He hangs up the phone. She says she’ll give him 24 hours, and if she doesn’t hear from him then she’s going to “rock out.” With her cock out?

“Me single?” she says. “That’s bad…I’ve been Susie fucking homemaker over here…a nun, a catholic nun…If I’m single, I’ll show my true, filthy, fucking dirty side.” BRING IT ON!!!

Pauly, who has already agreed to partake in the plan for JWoww to have her cake and eat it too, doesn’t have much of a reaction to the breakup. “She’ll feel less guilty now when she hooks up with me.” Nice.

Snooki and her friend Ryder go to a bar and get crazy on the completely empty, non-existent dance floor while creepy old men there by themselves drunkenly watch and clap along. “I just let loose and I fucking killed it on the dance floor,” Snooki reports. Even if that were true—if her dance moves didn’t look like those of a pigeon on fire—it wouldn’t matter. There was no one else dancing aside from your skank friend Ryder! But that’s why we love you, Snooki. And why the perv over by the ATM machine does too.

Ryder and Snooki then go back to the house. After they tell The Situation that they’re going to hop into the hot tub, The Situation invites himself to soak along with them. Before he goes outside, he tells Sammy that the girls were begging him to join. So apparently he wants to make her jealous? But she’s not—she has a minigolf date with Ronnie!

The Situation goes to the hot tub after zero amounts of begging and jumps on in, just in time to witness Snooki mount her friend, slamming her into the side of the hot tub while she shoves her tongue down her throat. After a bottle of champagne is popped open, Snooki grabs The Situation’s face to make out with him. Fine, she’s a makeout slut, and though we hate to watch her doing it, we’re okay with it. Good for you, girl, for having such high self-esteem!

Ronnie and Sam come home from their date and go to the guest bedroom to cuddle and talk all night. Before she says “sorry mom” and pulls the cover over their heads. BORING!

After a “family dinner” where Pauly nearly blows up the gas grill by putting charcoal in it, the gang gets ready to go out. We love Ronnie for making fun of Mike for looking in the mirror after he applies Chapstick and saying “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” like he’s just had a bowl of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup.

At the club, JWoww becomes her slutty self again and says that if she’s going to be single while she’s at the shore, she’ll “make everyone hate each other by the end of the night.” She gets a good start by dancing with each one of the guys—even Ronnie, who manages to detach himself from Sammy for a few minutes.

Reattached and both the hip and the mouth, Ronnie tells Sammy, “I thought the Shore house was the best thing that happened to me, but you are.” Awww. They really do seem to like each other, but we know Ronnie’s rule of not falling in love at the shore, so we know that this isn’t going to work out.

Vinnie drags Ronnie back onto the dance floor because Ronnie “loves the beats” and will “break it down with [his] creepy patent move” which involves gyrating about with some fancy footwork and hip shaking.

Sam sees “The Cop,” a friend of hers while Ronnie is busy grinding up on some awkward, pelvis-thrusting blonde who The Situation has already made out with several times tonight. Out of spite, Sammy gives The Cop her number, which JWoww sees happen. Scurrying off, JWoww reports back to Ronnie, who, crushed at the news, says that he doesn’t “want to be with a woman like that.” He’s angry and walks out. JWoww follows him home, which is interpreted as them going home together, which throws Sam into a tizzy. She storms off after them, ranting that she’ll “knock a bitch up” if she has to.

We just have to wonder which bitch it’ll be. And what they’ll name the Guido offspring.

So, MTV, please reprioritize so that in future weeks we will veer away from these lame story lines and once again get our overshare of hair gel and self-absorbsion.

Love always,
Slut Rehab

Guidos and Guidettes Under the Boardwalk

Last night’s two hour premiere of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” lived up to every expectation, stereotype, and fantasy while teaching us new words like “Guidette” and making us seriously LOL. The premise of the show is that 8 Guidos/Guidettes move into a house in Seaside Heights, NJ, working at a t-shirt store downstairs from their place, both of which are owned by Danny—their so-not-a-Guido boss/landlord. Think “The Real World” meets “Growing up Gotti.”

First we met Paulie D, a Guido from Rhode Island of all places, who is a super well-known DJ and has his very own tanning bed so that he can “live up to the [Guido] lifestyle.” It’s not his fault he’s a Guido—he was “born and raised” to be one. Great parenting there! Before packing his bag full of hair gel, he gives us a demonstration on how to get the perfect blowout. Then he hops into his Caddy and hits the road for Jersey.

Nicole, aka Snookie, is abnormally tan—even for Guido standards. She shares her dreams of marrying a Guido—a “nice, juiced, hot, tanned guy” —and moving to NJ before driving off in her Honda hooptie. Can’t wait to hear what the roomies will have to say about that!

“This is the situation right here,” Mike “The Situation” says as he lifts his shirt to show his a disgustingly-defined set of abs. “My abs are so ripped up, it’s called the situation,” he says matter-of-factly while relaxing on the beach somewhere in Staten Island. He laments about how much people talk trash about him because of his perfect physique but then sets himself at ease: “What can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo with his shirt off?”

Sammy “Sweetheart” is the only cast member from New Jersey. She claims to be “The sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.” We’ll have to see about that. Though she claims that she wants to break a lot of hearts, we’re not so confident in her capabilities. Sammy’s theory on fashion is “the smaller the shorts the better,” but we’re not so sure about that. We are not looking forward to seeing those white short-shorts she’s packing into her suitcase.

Vinnie seems to be the only normal person so far. He says he’s more of a “traditional Italian” and we believe that since his intro piece features his family crowded around table loaded with food. We’re relieved to hear him rip on Guidos with blowouts, fake tans, and lip gloss. A college graduate, Vinnie seems to be offering us something other than the stereotype that the rest of the cast is surely going to fulfill. But then he gives a fist-pumping lesson—pit stains and all. He may actually pull a muscle. Then, with a crazy look complete with uneven eyebrows, he shouts, “Hey, I’m proud to be a fucking Guido!” Never mind all of that nice stuff we said earlier.

“If you don’t know me, then you hate me and you wish you were me,” Jwow, a Guidette from Long Island says. Though her nickname would be more appropriate if it were “BowWow,” she says that she’s a praying mantis when it comes to men: “After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.” Upstairs and downstairs, or are you fucking aliens? When she starts to date a guy, they “do their thing for the first month and then send them on a rollercoaster ride to hell.” We believe that. And we’ll have to believe that she’s going to be the best Slut Rehab candidate to follow all season. Fine, she’s seeing someone, but fuck all that—“the shore is [her] candy store.” Suck and lick away!

Ronnie’s only rule is “never fall in love at the Jersey Shore. Never ever.” He says that the whole thing is about getting laid, which we want to hear all about! “Just take your shirt off and they come to you. It’s like a fly comes to shit.” Now we see why you need that rule! You must have the ladies swarming to you. Giant jug of protein shake mix all packed into the car, he drives to the shore house and says he’s ready to get “creepy and weird.” So are we!

Angelique, “The Kim Kardashian of Staten Island,” looks nothing like Kim—doesn’t have her face, her body, taste in makeup, fashion, or…anything. Okay, okay they have the same hair color. Angelique boasts that she’s all natural—real boobs, a “nice, fat ass.” And, really, there’s no reason to have ever thought otherwise. Angelique, too, has bf and says that this trip to the shore is going to be a big test for their relationship. We have faith that she’ll do well.

The cast arrives at the house one by one and divvy up the rooms—Paulie D and The Situation are the first two there, and when they meet, they automatically click and decide to bunk together. Sammy comes next and they easily convince her to shack up in their room.

Snookie’s hooptie nearly breaks down on her way to the house, so she’s stressed. As a result, she walks into the house saying “the party’s here,” which makes everyone else uncomfortably laugh at her—especially when she immediately hits the bottle. Over the course of the next hour and 45 minutes, her roommates will call her “Snicky,” “Snooks,” “Snookers,” “Sneakers,” “Snickers,” “Snickies,” “Snick,” “Snook.” Anything by Snookie. She deserves it for having such a stupid nickname.

Angelina pulls up to the house and unloads her garbage bags of clothes, which Paulie calls her out on in his private interview. “I think it’s kind of ghetto and weird….No one in your family has a suitcase you can borrow?” He’s absolutely right. Kim Kardashian would NEVER transport her designer duds in Hefty bags. Yet another tally in the “so nothing like Kim” column.

Snookie proceeds to get W-A-S-T-E-D. Within hours, she’s stripped down to a bra and boyshorts and jumps into the hot tub with the guys. As every single roommate blatantly laughs in her face, she throws herself onto each guy, trying to make out with them—in addition to one of the girls that eventually climbs in. Thankfully, Angelina is there to point out a major faux pas: Snickers should be wearing a “thong bikini” because “it’s a bit more classier” than just undies. Angie will continue to be the Classy Police. Her badge should definitely be revoked. Snookie then falls down the stairs, rants to herself for a while, and passes out in a hammock.

In the meantime, the rest of the roommates go out to explore the boardwalk, playing games, winning prizes, and having a grand old time. Despite Ronnie’s rule love begins to blossom. The Situation and Sammy hold hands while strolling down the boardwalk, and we have reason to believe that he may have won her that nice little teddy bear she’s carrying.

After spending far too much time fighting with the quacking duck phone in the house, Snicky wakes up the next morning feeling like major ass. She’s too sick to go to work on time and pukes in the bathroom. The rest of her roomies leave her there and go to work.

That night, the Guidos catcall girls from atop their roof deck and four come upstairs for some tonsil hockey. Angelina and Sammy sit nearby watching and judging classiness. The visiting girls take off their bras and thongs, which grosses out the female roommates. After the “sluts” leave the house, Angelina, Sammy, and BowWow (Snicky is moping alone in her bed) confront the men. Angelina calls out Paulie for making out with 20 year-olds when he is 28. WTF?! We know the Guido thing is a “lifestyle” and all, but grow the hell up! She then confesses that “the boys are gonna hate [her] because [she’s] gonna keep fucking up their game.” During the fight, Ronnie (who did not participate in the hot tub orgy, lest he fall in love) brings up a very good point—why were the house girls sitting there watching, looking for drama in the first place? It’s one thing to be territorial or nosy, but to just sit 10 feet away and stare and make comments—so NOT classy, Miss Non-Kardashian. Get a life. While all of the fighting is going on, The Situation starts worrying that his behavior in the hot tub could have fucked things up with Sammy. Also, Snookie starts packing her shit to leave—convinced the others still hate her from the first night, and that somehow they are talking about her right now. Um…no.

The next day is a boring one. We see that Angelina has no work ethic, witness Sammy convincing Snickers to not go home, and check out the Guidos at the gym, filling themselves with protein after. That night, Sammy and The Situation work together at the store, and The Situation proves himself to be a good salesman, convincing innocent little girls to spend their babysitting money on custom-made boyshorts with “I love The Situation” written on the ass. The rest of the roomies get all made up for a night out on the town and stop by the store first to flaunt this in front of still-working Sammy and The Situation. Vinnie dances with an old, fat lady wearing all white. He even does an awesome body dive through her legs. The next day, he gets pink eye and is convinced dancing with that lady caused it. He’s lucky that was the only disease he contracted that night. Angelina grinds with a dude all night, despite her boyfriend back at home—tomorrow she’ll claim not to remember any of it. Snookie, being social again, describes her ideal guy as a super muscle-y Guido—so she picks the scrawniest dude in the place and brings him home.

BowWow, with fake boobies completely popping out of her yellow top, and Paulie, in a yellow Ed Hardy shirt, start teasing each other, rubbing faces and telling each other how badly they both want to get it on. Paulie says that BowWow wants to have her cake and eat it too, having her bf but making out with other guys while at the shore. “I’ll play that game,” he says. “I’ll be that guy—I don’t care.” Then they make out.

Snook brings her scrawny guy home, and as they cuddle up to watch the sun set…errr sunrise, he pukes all over the place. Nearby, Sammy and The Situation chat, building their relationship. Downstairs, BowWow and Paulie hop into bed, where Paulie ends up showing BowWow his pierced penis. Again, you’re 28.

The next night, everyone gets Guido’d up and they head out. The Situation and Sammy FINALLY make out, as do BowWow and Paulie again. However, before she can cheat on her boyfriend any more, BowWow goes home, stopping at some random deli to pick up a package of Oscar Meyer ham and a bottle of water. Back at the club, “Sweetheart” Sammy bounces from The Situation to Ronnie and starts making out with him! Of course, The Situation sees them, and spends the rest of the night giving Sammy the finger.

Upset about the Sammy situation, The Situation doesn’t appreciate some “clown” as Paulie D called the guy “looking at” him. Some words are exchanged, and said clown shoves Vinnie, which causes Paulie to come out of nowhere and clock the clown in the face, after which he tells us it “only takes nine pounds of pressure to break a nose.” Thanks Doctor Paulie D. The Situation, reveling in the face that his fellow Guidos had his back, says “Yeah, that’s what happens!”

En route back to the house, Paulie, The Situation, and Vinnie run into “three banging broads,” according to the latter, and invite them back to the house—fearless of any wrath they might face from the Classy Police. Well aware of his fame, The Situation tells us, “Everybody at the shore definitely knows The Situation. And as far as I know, everybody loves The Situation. And if you don’t love The Situation, I’m going to make you love The Situation.” Oh, we love.

Once at home, The Situation, who is really a sweetheart, gets up in Sammy’s face and asks if she’s happy about the decision she made to fuck things up by choosing Ronnie over him. The Sweetheart Situation then admits he was “about to Jerry Springer her ass.” Okay, you are no longer allowed to call yourself a sweetheart—let’s leave that as Sammy’s nickname.

Angelina, the self-admitted cock block, then makes a comment about how she and The Situation have been friends for a very long time. We know that they’re both from the Land of the Tracksuits (aka Staten Island), but shouldn’t this have been revealed to us earlier? And how about Vinnie—the other Staten Islander—does he know them too? We need some background info. Waving her arms, clad with blue, white, and yellow arm bands that have nothing to do with her green and block top, Angelina once again tries to get the visiting girls to go home. When the guys call her out on it, she claims not to be a hater, but she definitely is. Then, she says the most absurd thing: “If a girl’s a slut, I mean, she should be abused.” WTF? We get that you’re threatened by other women—especially women who are more attractive than you—but that comment, as indecipherable as it is, was totally uncalled for. How about you abuse the douche bags bringing said “sluts” home and taking advantage of them? It’s bad enough that you call every girl that comes into the house a whore—why then say they deserve to be abused?

She soon redeems herself by saying to The Situation: “I will cut your hair while you’re sleeping.” Is there a worse thing you could possibly say to a Guido!?

In the final moments of this fantastic premiere of a world-changing series, The Situation reflects on his short-lived romance with Sammy, who will spend the night spooning with Ronnie—someone who should definitely be calling to mind his one and only rule of the shore.

What else is going to happen this summer?!